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Yah, OK, da parent thread brought up lawyer jokes, eh? So before that one starts a whole mess of lawyer jokes, here's a fine new thread to write on!



What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?


One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller. The other is a fish.

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I got these sent to me. Why do we need jokes when these can be found in the records??

"These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Some of this is truly UNBELIEVABLE!!!! 



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?




ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan!



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.








WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you s***'in me?



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?




ATTORNEY: How many were boys?




ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Are you s****'in  me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?





ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?




ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?




ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?




ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?




ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.




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Having a sister who is a lawyer. These lawyer jokes never went over very well in our house.

Thankfully English Law seems to be full of very colorful and at times even lovable characters.

I was very fortunate that when she was moving from being a solicitor to become a barrister to be able to read some of her law books.

While dealing with the judgments of Lord Denning were and still are every law students nightmare. I found just reading his judgments to be very entertaining.

In Southam v Smout he states:

The poorest man may in his cottage bid defiance to all the forces of the Crown. It may be frail its roof may shake the wind may blow through it the storm may enter the rain may enter but the King of England cannot enter all his force dares not cross the threshold of the ruined tenement. So be it unless he has justification by law.

In Miller v. Jackson (The Cricket Case)The first paragraph of reads:

In summertime village cricket is the delight of everyone. Nearly every village has its own cricket field where the young men play and the old men watch. In the village of Lintz in County Durham they have their own ground, where they have played these last 70 years. They tend it well. The wicket area is well rolled and mown. The outfield is kept short. It has a good club house for the players and seats for the onlookers. The village team play there on Saturdays and Sundays. They belong to a league, competing with the neighbouring villages. On other evenings after work they practise while the light lasts. Yet now after these 70 years a judge of the High Court has ordered that they must not play there any more. He has issued an injunction to stop them. He has done it at the instance of a newcomer who is no lover of cricket. This newcomer has built, or has had built for him, a house on the edge of the cricket ground which four years ago was a field where cattle grazed. The animals did not mind the cricket. But now this adjoining field has been turned into a housing estate. The newcomer bought one of the houses on the edge of the cricket ground. No doubt the open space was a selling point. Now he complains that when a batsman hits a six the ball has been known to land in his garden or on or near his house. His wife has got so upset about it that they always go out at week-ends. They do not go into the garden when cricket is being played. They say that this is intolerable. So they asked the judge to stop the cricket being played. And the judge, much against his will, has felt that he must order the cricket to be stopped: with the consequence, I suppose, that the Lintz Cricket Club will disappear. The cricket ground will be turned to some other use. I expect for more houses or a factory. The young men will turn to other things instead of cricket. The whole village will be much the poorer. And all this because of a newcomer who has just bought a house there next to the cricket ground.

How could anyone but love him?

Of course with him living to be about 100 years old and serving as a judge until he was 83 with 38 years service there is plenty of material and little need for jokes.


(I always liked that he never used "Legal mambo-jumbo")

Sorry Beavah, I just couldn't resist the urge!!



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I always do a double take when I see the Lawyer section in the yellow pages. They have a section called Criminal Lawyers, I cant tell if thats redundant or truth in advertising


Of course in Health Care with cloning and embryonic stem cell research and such there has been a growth in what is being called Ethics Lawyers, which I think is the height of oxymorons, surpassing military intelligence and middle east peace process.

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A mother and her little girl were paying respects at the local cemetery. Walking through the rows of tombstones, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"


"No, sweetie, why do you ask?"


"This one says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


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Even though I am involved in the legal system (as a Judge, but not a lawyer), I will contribute to the list


Q: What is the one redemming thing the comunist do when they take over a country?


A: Shoot all the lawyers!




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