Scoutmaster Therapy!

[CrewMomma]

After another long night of watching my husband (Scoutmaster) go through the turmoil of parent politics ("My little boy should have been voted into that position instead of Johnny who you know really doesn't want to do it"), my question is, who is there to support the Scoutmaster when his frustration level over flows? My husband LOVES scouts and LOVES working with the boys, but its when parents start becoming demanding and treating him like he is their employee is when things get frustrating. I HATE seeing him go through this, especially when it is the same parents over and over again. They are not happy with the way their son is being treated so they will make sure that everyone else is unhappy too.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[GernBlansten]

That is the primary reason I remain an ASM and refuse to become the SM.

[Gunny2862]

I think it is simply another reason why we have ASMs. Crew Momma has the additional burden of being the SMs wife but I think as ASMs we are not only part of the support for the program being delivered to the boys by the SM but also support for the SM.

 

[John-in-KC]

After you (the bride), the first person is the Committee Chair.

 

Some lessons from my time on the Troop Committee:

 

1) Major program events (elections are such) get an announcement at TC.

 

2) Parental support of the Scout before he's certified for candidacy is good to have. It's hard to trump "Mr and Mrs Jones committed to supporting Johnny in that POR."

 

3) A Scoutmaster conference (non-advancement) to look the Scout in the eye and ask him if he's ready to do the POR is good to have.

 

4) Adult Leader Applications are a good thing to have handy ("Gee, I didn't know you wanted to help. Here's an app. Let's schedule you for Youth Protection Training, MB Counselor Training, New Leader Essentials training, Scoutmaster Specific Training, and Outdoor Leadership for Scoutmasters training.") This is the opposite tack from "it's only an hour a week" and it's designed to catch those Helicopter Parents and those who think BSA means Baby Sitters of America.

 

5) I suspect most of us here would tell your husband: Thank you for giving your heart, your time, and your money to these kids.

[scoutldr]

Back in the dark ages (1980's) I was a Cubmaster for 5 years. I once had a mother call me and demanded to speak to my "Supervisor" because she had some complaints about how I was running the Pack. So I handed the phone to my wife.

 

The application thing works well...as soon as I let them know that JOhnny won't have a den unless she signs on the dotted line, I generally never heard back from them. My favorite response..."Well I don't have time for THAT...I WORK full time!"

[CrewMomma]

Thanks for your replies!

 

My husband does have a good support group with his ASM's and committee chair. They have learned to tag team each other when this parent goes off her rocker again.

It's come to a point where "if you are not happy here with the troop, there are many troops in this area that might be a better fit for your son".

She is a bit of a "stage mom" and gets angry when everyone doesn't fall at her feet when she reminds us all of "everything she does for this troop".

She also went as far as to write to the SPL to complain about issues within the troop. COMPLETELY unacceptable and she was told not to do that again, "I was just trying to get some answers"..by harassing the youth?

 

My thoughts, we are here for the youth, not to rack up our own accomplishments.

 

[John-in-KC]

..."Well I don't have time for THAT...I WORK full time!"

 

My response to those folk: "Excuse me. I don't have a day job and profession?"

 

That sends them away red-faced. A few call back a few days later, sign up, and do a good job. Of the rest, I'm beginning to think one issue of retention is parents not willing to commit to bringing Cubs or Boys to meetings!!

[sweetspiritpamh]

This was the same for my husband back when he was the Cubmaster. We had this one parent who kept saying nothing was quite good enough. She was comparing our pack with her nephews in a really rich area. Well my husband did his very best humanly possible with which he had to work . My son bridged over in March and no one would commit to take over. The following August my husband helped to recruit 50 new cubs and parents. He had everything all set up so in October he left. The new Cubmaster was a Eagle scout with a son in the pack. We felt pretty good about leaving all in great shape. Well that same parent that gave my husband all that grief was then calling saying we had really done a good job and the new person wasn't really up to par. Now less than a year after that the pack has folded and parents were calling asking my husband to take back over. BUT I SAID NO. He is now a ASM of a great troop and after all there is only so many hours in a day.

[OldGreyEagle]

... Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got till it's gone...

 

Joni Mitchell

[Eagledad]

>>She also went as far as to write to the SPL to complain about issues within the troop. COMPLETELY unacceptable and she was told not to do that again, "I was just trying to get some answers"..by harassing the youth?

[sst3rd]

Along those same lines, I've noticed in the last year or so, parents showing up with their Scouts on the Friday night of a weekend camping trip "stressed out," and showing it. As the Scouts are organizing their kitchen and food boxes and then loading up, I'm ( the Scoutmaster) packing the administrative stuff and all of that support material we need for the weekend program. These stressed out parents are interrupting me and want to talk about how their week has been extremely busy, and that nothing was going right, and that they were lucky just to get their son to this camp out. On and on........

Of course, I've had a busy week too, but that doesn't seem to count. And as I'm coordinating with maps and directions with the folks going on the trip or at least transporting, these stresseed out parents are telling me how they'd love to be on this trip, but have a busy weekend lined up and just couldn't find the time, etc..

Anybody else experiencing this same situation? These parents aren't on the trips, but don't seem to recognize that I ( and the other adults camping with the Troop) have a full life as well, and we've organized our lives for the camping trips. It's really not that hard.

 

Just asking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

sst3rd

[Beavah]

Yah, Crewmomma. Welcome to youth programs in da age of Attack Helicopters! What you describe isn't unique to Scoutin', it's there in coaching, teaching, and every other youth activity. I suspect it's probably the #1 reason why good people in all those positions burn out.

 

Best emotional support is you and the other adult leaders, just as you describe. Sit and vent, and then tag-team or brainstorm a solution.

 

Best practical support is a strong CC or COR. I've found it works best if da CC or COR are viewed as a "hard case" or "bad cop". That makes da SM the "good cop" in the relationship.

 

Personally, I've never found the "sign 'em up as an ASM or committee member" solution to be very effective. Sometimes they take you up on it, and then you have to deal with them all the time instead of occasionally. Yeh should never put a nutcase in a position of responsibility.

 

I'm more of an advocate of an open door policy. "Da door is open, you're free to leave". I think volunteer organizations have to be really thoughtful about whether they renew the membership of people who monopolize leader time and energy like this. One attack helicopter can really drain a SM and consume a lot of time, which really hurts the program for a lot of other kids. Everybody gets to have a bad day or two, but if you're a troop of 50, each parent having one bad day a year means da SM is gettin' hit every week. That's too much, eh?

 

If you've got somebody who's havin' a lot of bad days, I think yeh have to protect the SM and the program.

 

I've seen the Attack Helicopters go after the SPL or PLC as well. I confess I'm with Eagledad, I've got no patience for that stuff. Our first job as adults is to protect the environment for the kids. However you need to, that sort of behavior has to end the moment it's begun. Hit the eject button if necessary.

 

Beavah

[CrewMomma]

Thanks Beavah! Wise words as usual. Over the last few days I have seen the SM and the ASM's coming together to let this Mom know exactly how they feel about her being an "attack helicopter". The open door has been pointed out to her with the understanding that it's her choice right now, shape up the attitude or exit stage left.

 

Let's keep in mind that we are here for the boys!

 

(or in my case, the boys AND girls!)

[scoutingagain]

Crewmomma,

 

Along with the others let me thank you and your husband for your involvement with scouting.

 

The discussion on parents reminded me of a parent I ran into during our time in Cub Scouts. The pack had had a full line up activities for the fall. In January we scheduled a snow tubing outing at a local hill. The response of this one parent was quite telling. It was something along the lines of, "You people are doing stuff with your kids all the time! Now this is another thing I have to do. I don't have time for this." yada, yada, yada.

 

Some folks seemed to be thrilled to spend time with their kids. There are others, I sometimes wonder why they started a family. I find scouting in general seems to attract more of the first kind of parent. Many of the others, as noted earlier, can't even seem to find time to get their son to meetings, let alone participate.

 

As my sons have grown it seems I've run into the same parents all along the way. The same ones who were 1st year soccer coaches, helped out with travel soccer. Cub leaders, moved on to scouting. Some did both. Some stayed involved with the school music programs, but they were there when their son or daughter picked up their 1st clarinet, trumpet or whatever at the elementary school music night.

 

They have been a pleasure to associate with. Same as those of you on the forum.

 

SA

 

[kbandit]

We all have an Attack helicoper in our ranks. You are not alone. Had 2 boys this past year go to basketball practice on Election nite. It was on their calendar. Month later Mom(she is very nice) ask since he couldn't advance without a POR wasn't there some job my husband could put him in? She took it very well that he needed to come to next Election nite and put his hat in the ring for the job he wanted to do. She understands now it is the boys who vote for SPL and he assigns the jobs according to who signed up that nite.

 

Our Troop tries to steer the parents questions/concerns/problems to CC. Use SM to deal with the boys. Of course we will answer any questions/concerns/problems if the come to us CM/treasurer/secretary/advancements/scoutmaster wife (me)(yeah I work a fulltime on-call other job) or SM (hubby). We are always calling and emailing back and forth with CC. He is a good friend also.

 

We do have 1 mom now with a mentally handicapped son (11) + ADD/ADHD + ? who is our Attack Helicoper. The CC does a great job with her. She does call me from time to time and I will listen to her problems and then refer her to CC. Our CC has alot more experience than I or my husband and he does a great job. (CC is at every meeting as he has a 12yr and 22 yr Eagle)

 

Thank you for all you and husband do for the scouting program.

Remember you are not the first nor the last at any problem. There are those before us that have overcome obstacles that parents thrown in their path and survived.

 

Do not let unhappy people bring you down to their level. Some people go through life miserable or term-oil in their lifes. That's how they live.

 

kbandit