Dear Parent, You need help

[Lisabob 13]

This should be in a part of the forum titled "working with parents," if only we had such an area.

 

I've been reading threads where dysfunctional families, or parents at their wit's end, seem to be a common theme. Of course some of this is just the normal frustration of raising children. On the other hand, in at least one thread in the cub section, the original poster (and several responses) states bluntly that the parent/grandparent needs parenting skills help.

 

So - in a scouting context, have you ever told a parent that they need to get help to improve their parenting skills? Have you told a parent to seek counseling (either for themselves, or family counseling)? If you have, was this parent also a registered scouter in your unit? How did that work out? Is there a good way to do this? Or is this just beyond the boundaries & responsibilities of a scout leader?

[SeattlePioneer 144]

I haven't made such a recommendation, and I would have a definite bias against doing that.

 

I'm not an Xpert, and I have negligible knowledge of what goes on in the life of a boy or family other than what I see at Scout activities.

 

So I've always left any such decision up to the parents. There was an occasion where I wrote a letter to parents detailing what had been happening in troop meetings and what I'd been doing about it (time out alone in an equipment room for 10-15 minutes). That was to inform them and give them an opportunity to advise me on what they thought might be appropriate.

[packsaddle 753]

Lisa, almost everyone around here carries or owns firearms so I mostly refrain from making suggestions like that.

When I was CM, the families that were most dysfunctional were single-parent families and there was no amount of counseling (whatever) that could compensate for the complete absence of that second parent. In some cases a grandparent WAS involved but most of the time, they were so elderly or infirmed so as to be unable to do much more than they already did. I just tried to help out when I could spare the time. I'd help by doing as much transport duty as I could and sometimes keeping a boy for the parent if they were running late or some other problem. The problems had more to do with the number of hours in the day and the fact that only one person was involved than with problems that could be addressed with parenting courses or something like that.

[Oak Tree 15]

I think you'd have to know someone pretty well before such a suggestion would be received very well. Especially if I were to make such a suggestion out of the blue. If a parent was coming to me in such a way as to say 'I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do' then maybe I would make a suggestion like that.

 

People usually aren't quite so forthcoming with their problems. I did know one guy well enough to talk about it, but he was already getting counseling.

 

I don't think it's beyond reason to imagine that I might suggest it to someone at some point...or that it's somehow out of bounds...but I don't think the right context is going to arise very often. I did have one family recently tell me that they were in family counseling, and what recommendation the counselor had made, and I agreed with it. So at least for that one data point, the counseling was being effective at changing the parents' behavior.

 

[Eamonn 61]

No I have never been that bold.

I have had Scouts with parents that I thought were nuts.

In most cases we (The Scout and I) Have found ways to work around this. In some cases it has been the Scout, one of the parents and I that have worked around the other parent.

Some of the most difficult families that I have had dealings with have been where the Lad comes from a family where the Father is of another race, married to a local woman. Very often this man sees things in a very different way than we might and he kinda wants things like they were in his native land. While this has been a problem, I do have to say that most times these mixed marriages with a very strict father as the family head work out great for the SM and the Troop. Dad is over the moon that someone is willing to volunteer their time to work with his son.

There have been Scouts who are watching their parents go through a messy divorces and both parents are acting in a way out of order way. Sometimes I have felt that I was stuck in the middle, with each parent coming to me to tell me how unreasonable the other parent was being. When this happens, other than feeling sorry for the poor kid, I have tended to take plenty of no notice of both parents. -Thinking that at least for the time being they are both nuts!

I would be willing to report child abuse to the proper authorities, I have taken car keys away from parents who have had one too many and have asked a parent who was "Under the weather" to leave a meeting.

Ea.

 

[packsaddle 753]

"over the moon...."????? This means it's a good thing, right?

[CalicoPenn 729]

I'd be cautious about telling another parent out of the blue that they need to improve their parenting skills. It's possible they may be thinking the same thing about you.

[Eamonn 61]

"I'd be cautious about telling another parent out of the blue that they need to improve their parenting skills. It's possible they may be thinking the same thing about you"

 

Sad thing is that they might be right!

Things you might hear or might have heard in our home.

HWMBO: "Boys are washable!"

Me: "Don't be a lazy little toad"

HWMBO: "Of course OJ would love to help, just wait till I tell him."

Me singing very loud and off key "Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory ..." (Best time to sing is very early.

HWMBO: "Sure you can go, I'll help you pay half by finding you some little jobs you can do around the house."

Me: "Of course I'll catch you if you fall."

If this doesn't sound like child abuse?

Ea.

I left out the 101 times I've used the "When I was your age.." speech

[kari_cardi 10]

I'd be offended if someone gave me unsolicited advice on how to parent my children. I've offered advice when asked, including recommendations for professional services. I would not hesitate to become involved if I thought a child was abused or neglected. I strive to lead by example but I know I am by no means perfect and I know not everyone agrees with my approach. We do talk to the adult partners of scouts who have behavior issues, but our discussions are kept very specific to how the scout's behavior impacts his den, his pack and himself as a scout.

[evmori 11]

So - in a scouting context, have you ever told a parent that they need to get help to improve their parenting skills? Have you told a parent to seek counseling (either for themselves, or family counseling)? If you have, was this parent also a registered scouter in your unit? How did that work out? Is there a good way to do this? Or is this just beyond the boundaries & responsibilities of a scout leader?

 

No. Never have. Never will. It's none of my business how a parent parents. I might not like how they parent, but it is not my place to tell them they are doing it wrong.

[OldGreyEagle 5]

If its a safety conern then notify the proper authorities, if you are thinking that the situation is not "like that" then don't do anything.

 

I would not appreciate anyone, no matter how well intentioned, telling me how to raise my children

 

I do not trust people who know better than I how to conduct my own life

[83Eagle 11]

No. Bad idea IMO. Who's gonna listen anyway? Very few people have the intellectual honesty to look in a mirror and accept what is clear to everyone else.

[Basementdweller 608]

Had a drunk parent show up to pick up a cub......I followed the dad home with the cub in my truck. Had a heart to heart with him. Told him no more. He isn't showing up smelling like liquor anymore. Amazingly enough we did not lose the scout.

 

Had a scout show up with bed bugs on him. Talked to mom. We lost that scout.

 

Messy divorces....Dirty scouts....poor diets....over weight scouts.

 

We have next to zero influence to correct any of it.

[SeattlePioneer 144]

Hello Basement Dweller,

 

 

Don't you EVER get a break?

 

Tough district to work with. Tough Council to work with. Tough unit to work with. Tough families to work with.

 

You have my sympathies.

[Lisabob 13]

Well it seems we are mostly in agreement here, and yet, many of the problems that come to light on this board have, at their roots, dysfunctional family situations of one sort or another. The funny thing to me is, we all talk about this and even agree on occasion that "they need help" but few of us (myself included) are comfortable saying that to the people who we think actually need the help.

 

Obviously, there's tremendous potential to muck things up here. On the other hand, I wonder if there isn't some way of letting families know that it is ok to seek help when things aren't going so well. Might have been that in the past, a school guidance counselor c/would have done this. These days, either the guidance counselors have all been laid off, or they have 1000+ students each and don't have time to even talk to, let alone get to know, the kids assigned to them.