Eagle707 10 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Your son is an Eagle Scout and nothing can be done to revoke his rank. With that settled, I will echo Shortridge's advice: focus your energy on your relationship with your son and not on looking to us for answers. It sounds like Scouting should be the least of your worries right now. Link to post Share on other sites
mbscoutmom 10 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 Why do you want me to focus on his time in juvie? It's over, and from what I can tell, it helped him focus on what's important to him. Besides earning the eagle, he is getting very good grades in school and has been accepted to at least one college. Now that he has his eagle, I wouldn't try to take it away from him, even if I could. What I want most of all is to someday have my son back, and trying to take his eagle away wouldn't accomplish that. Link to post Share on other sites
mbscoutmom 10 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 My son lives elsewhere and doesn't want me to know about important things like getting his eagle, so how am I supposed to focus on my relationship with him? I would like to focus more on the rest of my family, and since my husband and two younger sons are active in scouts, a lot of our family activities are scout-related. Since you're trying to redirect this thread, I guess you don't want to answer the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Oak Tree 15 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Why do you ask the question? (I'm genuinely curious.) Are you trying to convince us that your son doesn't deserve Eagle? Would your life be improved if some other Scoutmasters said that they do not think your son should get Eagle? Is there some answer here that would make you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Nike 94 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I'll answer your question: Every boy who has completed the requirements and passed a board of review deserves the rank he is trying to obtain. Eagle Scouts aren't perfect. They don't have to be. Some real turkeys have made Eagle. It's a rank, not a halo. Now, whether or not you want to have a future relationship with your son, please see a therapist who can help you work through the betrayal you are feeling. Once you are able, if you wish, invite your son to participate in sessions and decide how to forge a path toward a future relationship with one another. You can't unring the bell, but no one has to hit it again. If you are washing your hands of the boy, then at least follow the advice of Thumper's mother: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Link to post Share on other sites
moosetracker 132 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Sorry, not much we can say about your son earning Eagle. It's done, it's over. Sorry, his actions hurt you. It doesn't matter if we think he earned it or not. What is important is that you put the hurt of it behind you, and whatever else he has done in the past that has hurt you, in order to repair the relationship with your son. Maybe emotions are still to raw between your son and yourself/family to do this until your son matures a little more, and earns some independence, so he can feel he can have a relationship with his parents on an equal footing. Maybe now is the time. It sounds like even though you have been hurt, you are proud of his recent accomplishments. ....Why do you want me to focus on his time in juvie? It's over, and from what I can tell, it helped him focus on what's important to him. Besides earning the eagle, he is getting very good grades in school and has been accepted to at least one college.... Put the hurt of his getting Eagle behind you also, as you did his stint in juvie.. Let him know you are proud of his accomplishments. That you would though like to celebrate them with him. It's an award you can get as a youth. If earning it helped him redirect his life to the positive, it was a good thing. Will what he learned follow him in shaping his life to the positive? That is the important thing to concentrate on. If not, it is just a piece of paper with no meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Papadaddy 121 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 mbscoutmom, we are not family therapists. You asked a vague question without disclosing the reason you were asking. The answer to that question is "NO", not every boy deserves to be an Eagle Scout. Those in charge of making that decision are the volunteers who know the boy ... not a bunch of anonymous online yahoos who are also just parents and volunteers who are doing the best we can. I hear the hurt and the frustration ... but I have to echo what the others have said...a scout rank is the least of your worries...do yourself a favor and seek out some family therapy to try and figure out why the relationship with your son went sour. If he won't go, go without him. You may not be able to salvage the relationship, but it may help you to accept things and move on with your life. Good luck and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
mbscoutmom 10 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 I wish I could be proud of his achievements, but he doesn't want me to--he doesn't even want me to be his mom. The reason I'm asking this is because I'm too emotional about the whole thing to judge whether or not the adults were right or wrong to help him do this behind our backs. It seems to me that it would have helped him more for them to insist that he do it the way our other son did--with our full knowledge and support. It could have been a time for us to work with him on our relationship. Instead, they helped him shut us out more. Link to post Share on other sites
packsaddle 753 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 The Eagle rank is no longer relevant, nor important, and likely never should have been in the first place. If you do love your son as you claim, read and re-read the parable of the prodigal son. Think about it deeply. Keep your hearts open and IF he ever decides to rekindle what he rejected, BE THERE for him at that time. I saw this same story unfold in other families when I was growing up. I see it happening today as I interact with friends and other families. The reasons are unique to each situation. I will note that with respect to young women who pursue the 'emancipation' approach, there is sometimes an element that is far worse than you describe...a life-destroying element that devastates entire families with permanent effects, no going back. Count your luck that your son at least seems to have turned his life around without making some REALLY big thinking errors. It might seem small consolation, but you can take comfort in the knowledge that he's finding some success out there - and he's still alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle732 27 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I'll answer your question too. In my opinion NO, not every boy who is awarded Eagle deserves it. I've seen a very few cases where the system is manipulated (mostly by parents) to allow a boy to receive the Eagle rank without completing all of the requirements. Parents doing most if not all the work on Eagle projects and merit badges signed off under questionable conditions (Scout works at summer camp and comes home in 5 weeks with 15 MBs and even other staff are questioning it), are two things I've seen. It's sad but true, fortunately it is a rare occurrence. Once the Eagle is awarded there's nothing that can be done, just accept it. The cheaters cheapen the rank of Eagle. Link to post Share on other sites
Papadaddy 121 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 mbscoutmom: Don't try to blame or judge right now...it won't help you to heal. Just be thankful that your son felt there was an adult he could trust and who was there for him. Too many kids end up on the streets with tragic results. Your son is alive, has a safe place to live, is still in school, and sounds like on his way to college (but I wonder who's going to pay for it?). We don't know the reasons for the schism in your family. There are always two sides to every story, and we usually only hear one of them. But trust me, it could be a LOT worse. Link to post Share on other sites
mbscoutmom 10 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 I am thankful that my son has turned his life around, but I don't give credit for that to any other adult. He made that decision himself and he would have done it no matter where he was living--he told me that much. He thinks he's doing it all on his own, but he is really building on the foundation my husband and I laid. Hopefully he will realize that someday, but for now there's nothing we can do about it. What I can do is to try to convince SM and his wife that they would serve him better to encourage him to reconcile with us rather than perpetuating the rift the way they are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Basementdweller 608 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Now our villian in the story has a criminal record and spent some time in juvie....... Not sure anyone called ya a liar.....We just said we didn't have enough info to say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Scoutfish 16 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 mbscoutmom. So far, what I am reading from you is this: Your son should have done it like his brother did - which sounds like you wanted it done your way. Your son should have done it with you - because you wanted it that way. The SM and his wife should push your son to reconsile ( read apologize ) with you instead of causing the issue ( read latting son make his own decisions). Now, like everybody else said, there will not be a single answer hear that has any credibility because we are not personally involved with, know, or active with your son, the SM and his wife or you. BUT.... everything I have read gives me the gut feeling that you and your husband probably try to control everything about him. The boy ends up in Juvie, but make the decision himself to turn his life around. And make no mistake here....that is soley his decision - nobody can decide that for him. He has to act on that on his own, and it wil only work if he's committed to it....whih sounds like he is. Now, he goes to people outside of his parents , and get himself in a position to earn Eagle . WOW! I'm impressed with his determination and mindset. Not to mention his independance too. Sounds like scouting is really working with this young man just like it was intended too. Now about that scout law. Yeah..it's a little tough. Obedient? Well, how do you define that? Do as mom and dad say even if it's clearly wrong? If a parent( and I do not mean you) tells a child to steal something and the child refuses - did he break the scout law? If an abusive parent tells a scout to keep the abuse a secret - did he break the scout law by not being obedient when he tells? No! Not hardly! But since we are speaking about the scout law.... It does apply to scouters as well. Telling everybody about your sons stints in juvie and how he's just the worst liar, how he has a vendetta against you and then insinuating that it's all the SM and his wife's fault ....on this site? Well, That pretty much falls outsie of following the scout law too. So, it seems council investigated you, and still stuck with their decision. THat isn't a coin flip kind of decision. There is alot of thought that goes into that sort of thing, and the fact that it comes from within the family really does increase the care in which it is handled. My opinoon of this: You are on a damage control mission in which you are trying to move blame to somebody else and deny any responcibility to maintain your "social appearance" . I may be completely wrong, and will be glad if I am, but I don't feel it. Link to post Share on other sites
Papadaddy 121 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 What I feel, is that we've been led down this path before...time to move on, folks. Link to post Share on other sites
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