Reaching out: In search of the father-son connection

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Reaching out: In search of the father-son connection

 

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/fea/columnists/dtarrant/stories/DN-NSL_fatherhood_0122liv.ART.State.Edition1.3efeeae.html

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04:12 PM CST on Sunday, January 22, 2006

By DAVID TARRANT / The Dallas Morning News

 

I'm always drawn to stories about dads and sons who share a hobby or passionate pursuit. A few months ago, I read a story about a couple of father-son pairs in the Dallas area who have climbed three of the seven summits the highest peaks on each continent.

 

Jackson, my 10-year-old son, and I have done some indoor rock climbing at our community recreation center. But like a lot of boys these days, his passion is video games.

 

He's always asking me to play bad as I am at it. I usually choose NBA Live 2005 because I played basketball when I was growing up. Most of the time, the conversation follows a familiar pattern. I tell him that I'm not in the mood to play. I suggest something more active, like a bike ride. He counters with another video game. I suggest taking Sandy, the dog, for a walk. That gets Sandy excited, but not Jack. Sometimes we compromise and play cards. Other times, he plays a video game alone.

 

I feel a bit guilty about this, and I'll bet a lot of Dads feel the same way. We live in a world where kids can plug in and tune out the world around them, including their parents. Kids do that a lot anyway, and all the electronic games and gadgets just make tuning out a lot easier.

 

Many dads wonder if the only way to connect with their kids is by playing a video game or watching an hour of SpongeBob SquarePants. In moderation, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you're like me, you want to do something more. You see your role as introducing your child to the world outside home. If you're lucky, maybe you'll develop a shared hobby, whether it be fishing, baseball or mountain climbing.

 

When I was a kid, I loved playing baseball, and not just Little League. In my hilly neighborhood in western Pennsylvania, we bounced rubber balls against the concrete stairs in front of my house. We played homerun derby and kickball in the street. So you can imagine my excitement when I signed Jackson up for baseball.

 

He played T-ball one season and then machine-pitch baseball. He was a good player but was bored stiff with the game. We tried soccer next and then karate, but he never developed much passion for either. Finally, in fourth grade, he discovered basketball and loved it. This year, he played football with his classmates and loved that too.

 

Could this be something we might end up sharing? Maybe...but I've learned not to look too far down the road.

 

There's another reason I'm hoping to find something to share with my son. I love my dad, but we never really had an activity that we shared. He died at the age of 80 from a stroke five years ago. Afterward, my mother came across an old newspaper clipping he'd kept from his hometown of Haverhill, Mass.

 

The short, yellowed article said that Joe Tarrant, then 17, had won a citywide tournament that earned him the title of "master caddy," and was considered a "comer" in local golf circles.

 

I felt a twinge when I read that. I wish we could have played golf together. But dad's golf game gave way to World War II and the responsibilities of helping to raise a family of six kids and holding down a full-time job. We probably didn't have the money to spare on golf fees, and maybe I wouldn't have been interested anyway. Still, who's to know?

 

Like many of his generation, my father was a bit distant and scripted with his emotions, but there was a sense of humor and a capacity for spontaneity that I only saw years later after I left home. I can't help but wonder if I would have seen this side of him sooner if we had shared some hobby or interest.

 

Fathers and sons, like guys in general, often have their best, most intimate talks when they're side by side, doing something else, whether it's shooting baskets or hammering nails.

 

A few weeks ago, the morning that an ice storm closed school, Jackson wanted to walk to the park. He was on a mission to find the biggest icicles. While we walked, he started telling me about a video game called Medal of Honor. Because of the game, he was learning about World War II, and he started asking me why we had gone to war against Germany.

 

So, there we were, looking for big icicles and talking about world history. And as we talked, I told him about my dad, his grandfather, who had been in the Navy during World War II.

 

Looking for icicles is not quite the lifelong shared activity I had in mind. But you climb mountains one step at a time.

 

David Tarrant writes an occasional column on fatherhood called The Grateful Dad in the Family section, which appears Thursdays.

 

E-mail dtarrant@dallasnews.com

 

GET BACK TO NATURE

 

You name it, and there seems to be a disorder for it. If you're a dad who wants to connect with your son beyond video games, you've now got to contend with a bugaboo called "Nature Deficit Disorder."

 

In Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder (Algonquin, $24.95), author Richard Louv looks at how a generation of children is becoming disconnected from nature.

 

Electronic media are a major reason kids are spending more time indoors, but they also do so because of parental fears of strangers, traffic and crime; the encroachment of organized activities and homework on free time; and urban sprawl.

 

What happens when kids lose contact with the outside world? Well ... a lot: weakened use of the senses, attention deficit problems and emotional problems to name a few, he says. Exposing kids to healthy doses of outdoor adventures contributes to their well-rounded development, he says.

 

Dads can influence their kids by modeling the right behavior, says Vincent DiCaro, spokesman for the National Fatherhood Initiative, a nonprofit group based in Maryland. Active fathers are more likely to have active children.

 

Another dad-centered nonprofit, the National Center for Fathering, in Kansas City, Mo., suggests these "action tips" for dads:

 

Count how many hours your family watches television, plays video or computer games and compare it with the time you spend together in family activities or conversation.

 

Plan a camping trip. Campfires can be great places to connect with kids, by telling stories and just enjoying each other's company without the distractions of a modern household. With younger children, start out by camping out in the back yard.

 

Explore biking and hiking trails near home.

 

Get out a city map and promise to visit at least three parks with your kids.

 

Excitement over the new King Kong video game may last a few months. But the joys of hiking in the woods, exploring caverns and camping in the wilderness last a lifetime.

 

David Tarrant