We are not "joiners" any more...

[scoutldr 732]

It's making a connection that feeds us

The Virginian-Pilot

August 19, 2006

I'M USUALLY THE ONE patting the knee of the meeting organizer. "It's not about you," I croon. "I know you lined up nine experts and stapled 200 handouts and only eight people came to the meeting, but it was good for those eight people, wasn't it?"

Those days are over, friend. The next time someone complains to me about lack of attendance at a school meeting, church group or ship function, I'm gonna snap.

"Don't you get it? We are not JOINERS!" I will holler, shredding my handout. "We are a whole generation that does not join things. We exchange e-mail addresses; we don't attend meetings. We look stuff up on the Web.

"Face it, groups-of-all-kinds, it's over. We're not that into you!"

Everyone will stare at me openmouthed. Then those same eight people will form a committee to deal with my welfare.

It seems to me that technology has eliminated the need we used to have for groups. The information and instruction and camaraderie I used to find when I went to local meetings, I now get online. And I don't have to find a place to park.

I see this as making us all a little more capable of standing on our own two feet. We seem to prefer it that way. So shouldn't the school and the church and the ship recognize this, update their Web sites and quit begging for our attendance?

Maybe not. Sociologist Jean Twenge says even though I'm right that today's generation of young people are not big joiners, I'm dead wrong about the ultimate value of standing on your own two feet.

In her book, "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever Before" (Free Press), Twenge says this belief that we need to stand alone all the time is one of the strange offshoots of being trained from toddlerhood to focus on the self instead of the group.

"We were taught to believe in ourselves and that we have to love ourselves first," she said in a recent interview. "The downside of this is that the self is not a very good support mechanism. For mental health we need other people."

In the research, Twenge found that people with good social connections consistently trump the own-two-feeters. Joiners have less anxiety, less depression, fewer ailments. "Human beings are social animals. We are hard-wired to need other people."

So why don't we do it,

Maybe because the computer and the TV and the phone don't belch or cough or get up when you sit down next to them. Maybe because we feel that we are plenty connected with thousands of people we communicate with online.

And yet, as connected as I am, I haven't invited one person to go for a walk since I moved here. No one online notices when my allergies are bothering me or when I have a good hair day.

Maybe that's why Twenge says we are a generation starving for affection. "We live on a junk food diet of instant messages, e-mail and phone calls rather than the healthy food of live, in-person interaction."

I think she's got me there. Yes, I feel full to bursting with connection, but that kind of connection doesn't really feed the bones of our lives. I hate to admit it, but we do need our church groups. We need to pat and smooth a young woman whose sailor just left her for the first time. We need to be patted and smoothed in our turn.

That kind of in-person connection nourishes us in a way that our online connections never will. I just hope I still remember how to go out there and do it.

Reach Jacey Eckhart at jacey1@earthlink.net.

 

[Jeffrey H 25]

This is a tough one because I like technology. I also like classrooms where I meet others and share information and develop friendships.

 

There is no substitute for live classroom training but only if the instructor is knowledgable and experienced. Information shared by other classmates has great value.

 

There is also no substitute for online training if volunteers and new leaders need Youth Protection training now and not later. Youth Protection is basically textbook knowledge of BSA policies and fits well in an internet training environment.

[resqman 108]

I find information, details, indepth analysis, and a broad range of ideas on the web. I find forums to post my ideas with out fear of being rebuked or thought stupid. Of course I can be rebuked and thought of as stupid but it is by people who I don't know and it does not really count if they think I am stupid. :^)

 

Often meetings are poorly run. The agenda is too loose or non-existent. Often those in attendence already know all the information being shared. Its those that don't attend that need the information. Its those that don't attend that need to be more involved and help with the tasks as hand.

 

When I attend meetings that are poorly run, I get frustrated. I may help to redirect the meeting to stay on task if it strays too often or too far. Sometimes it seems those in attendance attended the meeting with no real purpose in mind other than just to meet. While this flys in the face of the article, I meet to accomplish goals, not just be with other people. I socialize with friends but meet to reach a means.

 

My wife and I do participate in a number of organizations. We volunteer for roles in organizations in which are kids our involved. As I spend hours making, planning, or running errands for these organizations, I wonder what the other parents are doing with their time. I wonder what they think their duty to their children, community, and themselves might be. Do they secretely laugh at home about the poor suckers who do all the work for their kids and community? Or are they so oblious they don't realize what burden they are putting on the rest of the community?

 

There are times that an organization asks for volunteers for a specific position and we do not volunteer because we are already involved in other volunteer roles. I have a moment of guilt about not volunteering but then justify it by saying to myself that I am already holding several other volunteer positions and cannot give a new role the time and effort it requires.

 

The Me generation does not seem to be very interested in We. My son's high school requires community service hours to graduate. I am interested to find out more specifics about the requirements and what he will choose to do to meet these requirements. I believe that as a family, we set a good example of community involvment on many fronts. I look forward to watching my kids as adults and see how they give back to the world.

[Jeffrey H 25]

"As I spend hours making, planning, or running errands for these organizations, I wonder what the other parents are doing with their time. I wonder what they think their duty to their children, community, and themselves might be. Do they secretely laugh at home about the poor suckers who do all the work for their kids and community? Or are they so oblious they don't realize what burden they are putting on the rest of the community?"

Good questions.  The only way to find out is to ask them to volunteer and work alongside you. 

The other parents sense of "duty" will be different from yours.  They may have the same values as you, but important time constraints due to job responsibilities, extended family, aging parents, etc. all play important factors.  They may only have the luxury of volunteering for one significant organization.

Do they secretly laugh?  Probably not.  They are likely envious that you have the energy and organizational skills to work with so many organizations.  They probably wonder how you do it. 

 

 

 

[FireKat 10]

I have chewed over why people are not joiners many times. All I can figure out is the way a person was raised and trained.

Resqman wrote: The Me generation does not seem to be very interested in We. My son's high school requires community service hours to graduate. I am interested to find out more specifics about the requirements and what he will choose to do to meet these requirements. I am curious, how many hours are needed? I hope the kids dont double-up on the community service time, i.e. taking credit in more than one place for the service they perform. In scouts I have had parents tell my son to count service hours for stuff he does as a member of another organization. I do not let him do this as if he wishes to belong to a group he needs to do what is require without expecting fringe benefits of service credit being applied to another group. This is a personal choice to help him understand that being in a group means it takes some of your free time and to learn to pick and chose what he wants to spend his time on. Luckily, we have a boy who really enjoys being a joiner! We have to slow him down.

[scoutingagain 20]

As far as "joiners" go, I know as I've grown with my sons, from youth soccer, little league, cub scouts, to boy scouts, I see the same group of parents involved all the way a long. Some more active in sports, some more active in scouts...but it's the same group. We have a couple of ASMs who are baseball or soccer coaches. I used to be an assistant baseball coach. By and large these are a great group of folks who are willing to spend time to better their kids lives, and the community at large. They're a great group to hang out with. I don't miss those that don't "join".

 

 

Our High School also has a requirement to perform service hours for students as well. The nice thing is they recognize scout service hours towards meeting their goals. They also recognize students(non-scouts) who perform work on Eagle scout projects as credit toward student service hours. This has resulted in a ready supply of willing labor for Eagle scout candidates who wish to tap into it, in addition to scouts working on projects. It also puts the Eagle scout candidate out in front of other students, often his peers, as a leader.

 

We recently had an Eagle scout completely re-do a courtyard at the high school. New Gazebo, landscaping, bricked walkway... it came out really nice with much of the labor being from his friends in Band, Drama, as well as fellow scouts. He's up for his BOR in a couple of weeks.

 

SA

[ASM59 10]

Great topic, I used to get upset when we (Scouts) would ask parents to help and they'd say, "I don't have the time to do ..." or "I'm already too busy". Sometimes I'd ask them how many TV shows to you regularly watch each week. Most of the time I'd get a list of 5-10 TV shows that they regularly watch. I would always come back with the fact that I only watched one TV show and that I had to tape it to watch when I could find time. It frustrated me that no one would reevaluate their priorities to see that helping an organization that benefits their son(s) is more important that having to give up 2 or 3 of those TV shows. I try not to let it bother me anymore.

 

My wife and I are a great fit, because we both tend to think of others and how we can help before we think about self. She is always trying to do for me and vice-verse. When it comes to Church, Youth Group, Scouts, Food Pantry and more, we are always willing to help. Unfortunately, when you are like us you can over do it and get over burdened to the detriment of your own family life, so we try to help each other by never volunteering for something until we check with each other.

 

Why are we like we are? Perhaps it was our upbringing or maybe it has been learned from other sources, maybe it's a gift that we have, but what ever it is it seems that most people just don't have it. Maybe they need that time in front of the TV more than I do, who am I to judge. All I know is that it is getting increasingly harder to get adult volunteers for things such as our Church youth group and Scouts. I really think that it is a societal problem, one that arises out of having been taught to look out for "number one". We have and continue to train people to be self-centered loners. Are they oblivious to all the work that the few do? Yes, I don't think they have a clue...

 

ASM59

[Lisabob 13]

I think it is really easy to blame those who aren't as involved as we are. And in some cases, maybe it is also justified because there are some real couch potato types out there. And of course I sometimes wonder why they ever thought they wanted to have kids because they certainly don't seem to want to do anything with, or for, their kids (then again, maybe they didn't actually want to have kids? who knows).

 

On the other hand, our society is not set up in a way that encourages joining. I can get all kinds of professional recognition and monetary and social rewards for working a job that requires me to be away from home 80 hours a week. I get very little overt recognition for the time I put into volunteering. And in fact, I might be penalized, both socially and professionally, for putting volunteering or community activities (groups) in front of yet another hour of blackberry connectivity or yet another business trip. The suburban life most Americans live isn't set up to encourage involvement. We live isolated lives in our houses or apartments in neighborhoods with no sidewalks or public spaces, barely getting to know the neighbors, and needing a car to even get to the local park or town square (if there is one). Over-coming this structural impediment is difficult and takes energy. And then if you're a single parent, or you live far away from your extended family, there's no support for you to go out and join. Who would watch the kids? Is the time you put into community groups detracting from your time with your kids? Can you afford to hire a babysitter (can you even find one)?

 

So I've noticed, most of the people who seem to be joiners around here fit one or more of the following:

1) they don't work, or work part time, or their spouse/sig other fits one of these descriptions

2) they are professionals with jobs where they can control their own schedule

3) they work in jobs where social involvement is a requisite job function, like ministers, teachers, outreach coordinators for non-profits, etc..

 

But no doubt, we're becoming a society of loners and I agree, it isn't good.

 

Lisa'bob