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I'm always saddened by these things. E61, you know the boy better than anyone here and as has been offered, every person reacts in their own way. Just be there for him. If he 'takes it out on you' for any reason, try to roll with the punches. Just being there to take those punches might help too. He'll better know that no matter what he throws at you, you'll still be there for him.

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Please accept my thoughts and condolences for your family. There really is no "right" or "good" way to handle this, but I hope your boy will be able to find some solace in his family, friends, and scouting community. In addition to all of the good input above please let him know (if you think appropriate) that it is still ok for him to enjoy life and experience moments of happiness, even at very difficult times. I've seen some kids who don't know what to do, feel almost guilty for cracking a smile or sharing a laugh with their friends for a really long time after suffering such a loss. It is one thing to mourn the loss of a loved one; another to refuse oneself any break from the pressure of mourning or to beat oneself up for having a moment of pleasure in life.

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Amen to everything that has been said . And....

 

Take him for a walk in the woods. You and him. Make sure the mom understands you are not trying got take HER place, just making a son/ stepdad thing available.

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Check out http://www.hospicenet.org/html/child.html

Hospice websites like the above usually have a LOT of info on how to help children and teenagers deal with grief and the loss of a parent. They also break things down by age, as a young child will need and understand death differently than an adolescent, and different still than a teenager. Teenagers seem to want to talk about their grief with their peers, where younger kids gravitate towards their parent to help them deal with it.

 

Realize that he may get very very angry at you. sometimes the anger is directed at any surviving parent or step parent--why didn't you died instead of Dad? kind of thing. That is normal, even though it hurts to hear. It's not aimed at you, that he would want you to die, but a way of telling you just how much this hurts.

 

Grief has distinct stages. help him thru each one, and if he gets stuck at a certain stage, get him the support he needs to complete the grief cycle.

 

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Keep your personal grief to yourself.

 

This is a double edge sword. You don't want to give the impression that you have no grief or are incapable of experiencing grief. So, don't hide it.

 

However, I've seen married folk lose a spouse and their grief is intense and they totally forget about their children. Yes, you've lost a husband but your children have lost a father and they need their mother at a time like this. Can be a difficult situation.

 

My father died, quite suddenly when I was 27. Years later, after I was married with three kids, my mother passed away when I was 45. My second son had just turned 9. He told me something that was somewhat shocking and somewhat amusing. He asked me if I was now an orphan. I told him yes, I guess I am but more importantly, that he had nothing to worry about, his parents were going to be around for quite some time!

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I've never felt like an orphan. I hold my parents in my heart and the speak to (and through!) me every day. Sometimes I say something and my wife will look at me and say, "OK, Bob". Bob was my dad. There's a message for your stepson. His dad is not "gone". He will be with him and guide him the rest of his life. You are just there to help.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My stepson has been back for 5 days now.

 

My first impressions have been that he was relieved to get back. While he was quiet initially, he soon opened up and spent a good amount of time goofing of with my son, the dogs, etc.

 

So far there have been no swings in his mood.

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Step-brothers (brothers of any kind) are a big help.

 

One thing that may be important over the long haul are opportunies to go back and pay respects.

 

We all need that reflection time.

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