resistance from wife

[rjscout 11]

My Webelos son is getting ready to crossover into a great troop with leaders to match. We have a large percentage of our 2nd year Webelos crossing to the same troop. They asked me to be an ASM, which is what I was hoping for. I worked hard for four years as ACM and CM to build up the program to make it enough fun for my son to continue on to Boy Scouts, where the adventure really begins. Now my wife doesn't want me to take the position. She thinks that my son needs his own time in the troop without his father. She is also concerned that I will be swamped like I was as a CM. Any good advice for reassuring her that the ASM position will be OK?

 

The crossovers from the Pack will be 60% of the troop crossovers and 1/3 of the total troop. They have 5 ASMs now, but with the extra boys, the number should increase. I am not the type to drop off my son and not help. I have been reading enough on here that I don't think that I would be a helicopter parent, either. I have been working toward this day and really want to be an ASM to help the troop and to help my son have great opportunities.

[Lisabob 13]

Probably nobody knows you and your son as well as your wife does. We on this board certainly don't. I'd say, heed her advice, at least for the first 6 months or so. Let your son find his place in what will be his troop, his experience.

 

 

[sbemis1 14]

As to the 'too involved' your on your own.

 

My son's SM tried to be clear up front that the adults were in the background as much as possible. I took it to heart and ran with it. I have been on most outings and am an ASM (although it wasn't in my plan).

 

On his first summer camp I showed up Thursday afternoon. Friday evening I overheard him say 'Oh, my Dad's here?'. Many times mom would find out something or other son did during an outing (' WHY DID YOU LET HIM EAT PANKCAKES AND SYRUP AND SAUGAGE WITH NO UTENSLS OR PLATES WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS') and I would point out that son and company were 'over there' and the adults and i were 'over here'. And if he (or and of the boys) ask me a question my response is usually 'what did your PL/SPL say when you asked him?'.

 

So he can have his own time and space with the troop and with you there.

[SMT224 10]

Let her know it's only an hour a week... ;-)

 

As an ASM, you can be part of the Troop, but leave your son plenty of room to grow and develop. I know, I've done it with three sons!

 

And let her know you're not going to the the SM, and thus will not be totally engulfed in Troop activities. Further, as an ASM you will have the freedom to pick and choose which activities you are involved in.

 

If the SM wants you, I highly recommend you go!

 

Good Luck!!

[Basementdweller 608]

I am doing that currently. I am CM and ASM and Crew Advisor. of the three CM is the most difficult, dealing with all of the parents. As ASM you simply help as requested, and I am usually the second adult on outings.

 

My first job as ASM was to act as troop guide to my freshly crossed over weebs. We had a work day where we went thru their patrol box and gear. We set it all up and cleaned it and then went for pizza.

 

In a boy lead troop ASM isn't that bad or hard a job and I use it to recharge my batterys when Cubbing exhaust me and gets me down.

 

 

I agree with your wife that you need to step back and let your son have his own scouting experience.

 

Now make sure you schedule a get away weekend with her..I see your in Ohio...I am thinking a nice Bed and Breakfast, Amish country, The Inn at Honey Run is an outstanding choice. There are some others if your interested PM me.

 

I make sure my wife is taken care of, we have monthly date night, Japanese steak house, a night of dancing, and 3 times a year we have Mom and Dad only weekend.

 

I have seen scouting cause too many divorces.

 

 

[allenj 10]

Assuming the Program Leadership Needs are adequate. (ASMs etc.) you might consider becomming a member of the Troop Committee.

 

You can still become involved without being at every Troop meeting or activity. The MCs support the Troop in many ways without direct contact with the boys.

 

This route would give you the opportunity to learn the operation and dynamics of the Troop, and give your son the chance to develope his boy/leader relationship with the SM and ASMs.

 

I'm sure there will be many opportunities for you and your son

to share scouting activities together.

[Beavah 205]

Yah, rjscout, thanks for your work with the kids and your enthusiasm for da program. Much as scouting is a brotherhood, if yeh think yeh can use us for ammunition to use to argue with your wife, you're nuts. That, more than anything else, shows that this scoutin' thing has gotten a bit too big and yeh need to step back for the sake of your family.

 

I tell all new parents to a troop that they have to leave some space for the troop to become their son's, before it becomes theirs. That is especially true for anyone who has been an active CM or webelos den leader, because it takes some time to get out of cub scout thinking mode, eh? Your son will have a better experience and you will be a better ASM in da long run if yeh take two steps back right now and let him find his place while you quietly observe, learn, and wait to find yours.

 

What I'd suggest to yeh is that you take the year off, but encourage your wife to volunteer for the committee, so that she gets to see more of the program that affects her son, and maybe gains some appreciation for your interest in it. Perhaps take some training along the way, so that next year you'll be fully trained and can offer more to the program. Maybe take a bit of training with your wife.

 

Yeh do scouting to build up and strengthen your family, mate. Don't ever let it do anything else, or you'll have broken the Oath and Law and won't be much of a scouter. Take it from this old furry critter, courtship is a lifelong endeavor yeh must never neglect, and yeh always, always listen to your wife on somethin' like this

 

Beavah

(This message has been edited by Beavah)

[GKlose 24]

When my older son joined a troop, I registered as an adult leader (the first year was as a committee member), kept my eyes open (and mouth shut), got training, volunteered for duty that nobody else wanted (membership chair), and gave my son plenty of space. I didn't go on an outing for six months, and even on that outing, I kept my distance from my son. He needed to, and did, establish his own connections to the troop.

 

After that first six months, I changed my registration to ASM, and started to contribute more to the adult leadership of the troop.

 

My wife knows that Scouting is important to us (she has two brothers and a nephew that are Eagles), but I try and be conscious about not overloading (and I always ask what she thinks, when it comes to adding another event to the family schedule). I've joked that this year, since two weeks of summer camp will take up most of our vacation time, that maybe she should register as an adult leader and come to summer camp with us. Next year, on a planned trip to a Canadian summer camp, that may become more of a reality.

 

So only you know to read your wife, right? It *is* possible to be an ASM and stay relatively in the background, but that includes a conscious decision on your part. Your son, I would guess, needs space. I would think a conversation with the SM about your concerns would help out in this situation.

 

Guy

[packsaddle 753]

I was in a very similar situation (without the pressure from my wife). But I had to stay on as CM for a while to provide some continuity while my son went on to the troop. I think it was good for him to do that. I followed as ASM a couple of years later.

So, while I agree with Beavah's statement about pressure from your wife, I think that even without the pressure, it would be worth considering - to send him out to discover how much fun it can be without a parent.

All that said, and as others have noted, you and your family know each other better than anyone else. Think about the experiences of others but don't feel bad about making a decision based on what you know best and what you know will be for the best.

[rdclements 10]

If you don't want to completely get out but you want to give your son some space, maybe you could leverage your CM experience and serve the district/council as a trainer or commissioner. You could also pick a couple of merit badges and register as a counselor. You might suggest that spousal unit register as a counselor and gain that perspective.

[moosetracker 132]

If there is a fear that if you don't grab the offer of ASM now, it will not be offered again.. I don't think that is too much of a concern, if they asked you before you even had time to learn the game of boy scouting as opposed to cub scouting.. They will ask again.

 

If you do want to eventually be an ASM though I would advise you to talk with the SM.. Let him know that this is what you really want, but you want to be the best ASM you could be.. Ask if you can take 6 months to a year working in the committee as you observe what Boy scouting is all about, and get out of cub scout mode..

 

If he tells you that this is a once in a lifetime offer, then take it now, but know that you should not jump in trying to change everything in your first month.. If he appreciates, respects your reasoning and lets you know the job will be there when you are ready.. Take a small breather..

 

Make your wife happy, give your boy room to make his way, learn the ropes, get the training offered and come in to the ASM position ready to do it right..

[Tampa Turtle 1011]

I am an ASM with 2 Boy Scouts. I spent of the first campouts kicking them out of adult's "officer country"' the irony is that some campouts I only see him on the trip home. I think he still appreciates knowing "I'm in the area".

 

I would consider getting trained as ASM but do not go on every campout. If you have enough ASM's you can spread the load around to reduce "Scout-widowhood".

 

 

[UCEagle72 10]

When my son crossed over to the Troop, I stayed behind to finish my third year as CM (and earn my CM Key -- yes, a few years back!)

 

I think the best gift I ever gave him was a year in Scouting without me!

 

Of course, it was already set, that when I did come to the Troop, I would be SM. (My son did not need to know that -- it was my 2nd time as SM.) So I spent that first year be a "scout parent" -- helping with transportation, attending CoHs, going on a camp-out here and there as needed. Then when I did come to the Troop, he had already established himself, had his set of friends (some in his patrol, others not), and he did not have to worry about me looking over his shoulder.

 

 

[Eagle92 110]

While I am not in that situation yet, oldest is only a Wolf, my wife has point blank told me that she does not want me as an ASM or SM for my son b/c #1 "I'll be too hard on him" and #2 "He needs some space to be on his own."

 

She doesn't understand what I call the "Al Bundy" approach to being a leader, sitting in a camp chair, drinking your coffee, and saying "have you asked your PL" is a scout comes up to me, or "have you asked your SPL," if a PL comes up to me.

 

BUT she did say that I should pursue other areas of Scouting. The one she mentioned was the OA since that was my passion before becoming a CSDL.

 

Another option would be to remain behind with the Cubs. Sometimes it's much easier to get adults to help run events if they don't need to worry about their Cub as well.

[Lisabob 13]

It is true that a person can be an ASM and still be pretty hands off in terms of working with their own son.

 

And it is true that some spouses don't understand the "Al Bundy" approach (love that, Eagle92!).

 

It is also true that some SONS don't understand that approach, and that parental involvement will SEEM, to the boy, to suck the air and space out of the room no matter how much you try to stay (or even succeed at staying) in the background. Even just the perception that "mom" or "dad" are sticking their fingers in the pie can change the experience for some kids, and not always in a good way, in the big picture.

 

So for that reason, and especially since your wife is asking you to step back too, I'm with those who say you can give your son a wonderful gift by letting the troop be his, and his alone, for a time. As has also been noted, there are many ways for you to serve scouting without necessarily being registered with your son's troop.