parent problems

[Kellyr 10]

I will try not to make this to long.

Our out going SM has been a mainstay for the troop now for the last three years. All the boys look up to him. He is also a state trooper here. As the new SM I have been looking at getting him a plaque to present to him at our first COH this year. Now the problem. His wife has called and said that we should not/will not get him any kind of plaque for what he has done because she just found out that he has been cheating on him for the last two years so he does not deserve it. If the committee still gives him the plaque or any kind of reconnition then she would make it public to the troop what he has done.

 

I realise that what he has done is very wrong but, that has taking place in their personal life and should not be brought up to the boys in any way, shape or form IMHO. I know that she is very hurt and bitter about what has happened and I don't blame her. She has been telling everybody that she can find about this. I am afraid that she will come forward and say something at one of the scout meetings just because she "wants to take everything that he loves away from him".

This will crush him, his sons that are in the troop and a lot of the boys that do look up to him.

I am not sure what to do about this. Our first meeting is in two weeks and I need to figure something out way before that.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[SemperParatus 1]

Get him the plaque.

 

Let him know what she said, and he can hide the plaque from her if he wants. If you think she is coming to the Court of Honor, then you and the CC should tell her in advance to stay home if she is planning to make a scene. While you recognize the hurt that he has caused her, airing their dirty laundry in public and in front of youth (especially her own boys) will not be tolerated.(This message has been edited by SemperParatus)

[Kellyr 10]

Could I as SM call a meeting that only scouts and registered scouter could attend. And give him the plaque at this time?

She has stated that we can not stop her from coming to the COH's because they are open to family and friends and are held at the church, which is a public place.

[DanKroh 11]

Can you speak to the outgoing SM as a friend (not in an official scout capacity, whatever that is) and tell him about the situation? Or would it be too awkward to reveal to him that you know about this aspect of his personal life?

 

If your committee still wants to get him a some sort of recognition, let him know that, but that you are concerned about the wife showing up and making a scene. He might know better than you whether she is just blowing smoke or is actually likely to follow through with her threat. It will spoil the surprise of the recognition (if you intended it to be a surprise), but might help avoid a nasty surprise instead.

 

Is it at all possible to try to reason with her, to let you know you understand her hurt, but that bringing this up in front of her boys (and other boys and their parents) is only going to be more traumatic to them? Can she imagine the embarrassment she will cause her own sons by airing this situation in front of their peers and their parents?

 

It is a sad situation all around, I must say. Good luck in dealing with it.

[SemperParatus 1]

You can certainly give it to him at the next troop meeting (she doesn't attend those, does she?).

 

People rarely carry out threats that they make in anger. If she makes a scene in front of everyone, she will most likely end up looking like a fool, rather than a victim. Add to this the embarassment to her own children, and the potential long-term effects on her relationship with them. My guess is that she will calm down and realize that making a public scene can be just as damaging to her as it may be to her husband.

[Kellyr 10]

Talking to him about this would be awkward because he has not said anything to anybody within the troop about this. And yes I am sure that she would follow thru on the threat because she was talking about the situation at summer camp with some of the people that he knows from other troops within our area. As far as I can tell all she is out for is to make him suffer as much as she can and she does not care who she runs over in the process.

She attends all scout related events that her sons are involved in. The only thing that she does not do is stay all night at campouts. But she is there until late at night and usually there by mid-morning the following day.

And yes she is also on the committee.

[campcrafter 10]

Without doubt this man has been a good scoutmaster as far as leading the boys.

 

He should be thanked and wished well.

 

However people being what they are the boys will eventually find out why he separated from his wife.

 

Then the boys will ask why did we give him an award if he wasn't morally staight?

 

Do you have an answer for them?

 

 

[scoutingagain 20]

Not to be sexist, but isn't there something about hell hath no fury?

 

Anyway, as DanKroh said, this is a tough situation all around. Would it be possible to publicly recognize his contributions to the troop with a simple thank you and yell from the troop at the COH and then give him the plaque privately afterwards? Just a thought.

 

Sure, this man hasn't lived up to all aspects of the scout law his whole life, but who among us has? He knows better than anyone the damage he's done to his reputation and personal character. Hopefully things will work out in the end.

 

Good luck.

 

SA

[ASM59 10]

My heart goes out to this wife if what she says is true. Now, I am trying to work through this in my mind and cannot make up my mind how I would want to see this handled.

 

There was another post back in 2001 about a Scout that got his girl friend pregnant.

http://www.scouter.com/forums/viewThread.asp?threadID=45651&p=1

Because he was engaged in premarital sex, most in this thread thought that there should be some type of caution with regard to his involvement in the Troop and others thought that he was such a poor role model that he should be removed from the Troop.

 

This Leader is likewise a poor role model. He was not only engaged in extramarital sex (allegedly) but broke a commitment that he had made to stay true to his wife. Do we still honor someone in this situation? I don't know???

 

ASM59(This message has been edited by ASM59)

[EagleInKY 14]

I'm torn on this. Right now, it sounds like just hearsay. I'd talk to him about it and get his take on it. As they say, there are two sides to every story. If you can't resolve it, I'd say present him with the plaque. You're basing it on what he did as a SM. The he-said-she-said stuff is hearsay at this time. If he says, "yeah, I cheated, so what?".... then I'd probably say thanks and drop the recognition altogether.

 

If you present the plaque, you've received some good advice on how to handle it.

[orennoah 11]

Is there a divorce going on? Have lawyers been brought in?

 

If so, then I would suggest that the SM bring this threat to his lawyer's attention, so that the lawyer could take the proper steps to prevent any public scene. (Restraining orders often do prevent serious harm.)

 

Seeing the way that so many people in these situations would do anything to hurt the soon-to-be-ex-spouse, regardless of the injury to their kids or themselves, is why I no longer practice family law. I hated caring more for my clients' kids than my clients &/or the other lawyers' clients.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[Crew21_Adv 25]

Kelly,

 

WOW! Sticky situation eh?

 

I guess the saying "Nobody's perfect" fits.

 

He has been the mainstay of the Troop. But he has also made moral errors in his own home.

 

In short, alot of time we talk about a Scoutmasters Pay. That's when a Scout comes up and says thank you.

 

It happened to me after moving across country. By surprise, I was reacquainted with an Eagle Scout from 10 years earlier. This 26 year old man, kept calling Mr Crew21_Adv and said thanks for being there.

 

The Plaque is a great idea, and I have a few collecting dust at home myself. No one cares to listen to my old stories though, unless I drag them into my office.

 

But those Thank You's; they will last forever.

 

Scouting Forever and Venture On!

Crew21 Adv