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SemperParatus

Heard any good jokes lately?

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Semper,

 

Talking about joke, here are three that my scouts love ... an oldie but still a good one that gets a delay laughter once in a while!

 

- What do you call a deer that got run over by a car and lost both of its eyes?

- No eyes deer? (No idea?)

 

 

 

- What do you call the same deer that got run over by a truck, now lost both of its eyes and all four of its legs?

- Still no eyes deer? (Still no idea?)

 

 

 

- What do you call the same deer that lies on the road for four days?

- Still, no stinking eyes deer? (Still no stinking idea?)

 

:)

 

 

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This guy goes to a Psychiatrist..

 

"Doc, sometimes I feel like a wigwam, and sometimes I feel like a teepee."

 

Doc says, "You're two tents".

 

 

 

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Two goldfish were in their tank, and one said to the other, "Okay, I'll drive, you man the guns"

 

Two sausages were in a frying pan, one says to the other "ya know, it's getting pretty hot in here" and the other said "HOLY COW A TALKING SAUSAGE"

 

Two cows were in a field, and one asks the other "what do you think about that Mad Cow Disease?" the other says "don't ask me I'm a helicopter"

 

Enjoy :-D

-Curtis

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One more pair...

 

What does a man get when he's running infront of a car? Tired

What does that man get when he's running behind the car? Exhausted

 

-Curtis

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G-rated:

 

A faucet, a cabbage, and tomato had a race. Do you know the outcome?

 

The cabbage is ahead, the faucet is running, and the tomato is trying to ketchup!

 

 

Courtesy of my five years old ... he heard from school. It's much better when a five years told it, especially when he mixed the vegetables up!

 

 

One more (I promise):

 

Why does the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it can be done!

 

ps: Hope you all don't mind my using some of the jokes at our next campfire! ;)(This message has been edited by OneHour)

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sounds good to me as long as your five year old is ok with me using his material...i hate it when they show up on your doorstep ready to open a can of whooptush...

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From an e-mail I recieved recently - some pretty "punny" stuff

 

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam"!

 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did????

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What do you call a boy scout who:

 

Is being towed behind a boat: Skip

Sleeping in a depression in the front lawn: Phil

Sleeping in front of you door: Matt

Hanging on your living room wall: Art

Sleeping in your mail box one day a month: Bill

 

What do you call a Venture Scout imitating a lamp hanging from the ceiling: Tiffany

What do you call a Venture Scout who imitates a part of a book: Page

What do you call a Venture Scout who imitates the beach: Sandy

 

What do you call the Council Chairman flying over a fence; Homer

 

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How does an elephant get out of a tree?

He stands on a leaf and whats for the fall.

 

Did you hear about the guy that tripped into a screen door, he strained himself.

 

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red.

 

What do you call a boy scout who:

Is sleeping in a pile of leaves: Russel

 

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RAOTFLMAO ... and inspired by Nlscouter, I have to add one more posting (as you can tell ... around the campfire, the boys laugh at me. Although, I wish from time to time they would laugh with me).

 

Being a chess coach for my second son's elementary Chess Club, I have a few chess jokes for the chess enthus out there:

 

 

1) Q: How many Grand Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: All of them! One to change it. The rest to analyze his moves for the next 100 years!

 

2) Q: What's the difference between road construction crews and chess players?

A: Chess players still move occasionally.

 

 

3) A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

 

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

 

 

4) Three retired International chess grandmasters were playing chess in the park.

The first grandmaster said, "it is windy today."

The second grandmaster said, "no, it is Thursday today".

The third grandmaster said, "me too, let's go back inside for a drink"

 

 

A couple of jokes that I learned from my scouts:

 

1) There was just a dog fight

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

 

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

 

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

 

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

 

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

 

 

 

2) Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

 

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

 

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

 

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

 

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

 

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

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So Bob, this piece of rope, walks into a bar, the bartender sees him and yells out

"Hey, you piece of rope, we don't serve your kind, get out of here"

 

So a tad chargrinned, Bob backs out of the bar, stands off to the side and takes off his whipping string and shakes his head vigorously. Then he walks back in the bar, the bar bartender takes one look at him and says

"Hey, aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw out of here?

 

Bob looks around and then says,

 

"Who me? I'm a frayed knot"

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