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SemperParatus

Heard any good jokes lately?

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What do you get when you cross a monkey with a hippo?

 

(Monkey Hippo) Sin(Theda)

 

It's a math thing... Engineers love it. Trust me.

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Any time some one says they are too tired Maggie, my 2 year old, will reply "daddy bike two tired". She doesn't get the joke yet, but she knows it cracks us up ever time.

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Speaking of ducks...

 

Three guys are ushered through the pearly gates. The place is filled with ducks sitting everywhere. St. Peter greets the newest arrivals; "Welcome to heaven, your home for eternity. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." So the three stand as still as they can, until one shuffles his feet and accidentally steps on a duck. Instantly, heaven resounds with the loud quacking of the multitude of waterfowl. As they settle down, St. Peter comes up to the offending man and admonishes him. As punishment, he ties the man to a short rope attached to the ugliest, most foul looking woman you ever saw, for eternity. The other two, seeing this punishment, resolve to stand ever more still. Eventually, one of the two moves ever so slightly, bumping a duck and causing the multitudes to begin quacking once again. Again, St. Peter runs up to the man and attaches him to a short rope with the most hideous of women, for the rest of eternity. Seeing this, the third man resolves to stand perfectly still. After a long while of remaining motionless, St. Peter runs up to the man and attaches a short rope to him with a voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman attached to the other end, for eternity. Dumbfounded, he says to the woman, "I've no idea what I have done to deserve such a reward." The woman, looking dejected, responds, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."

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There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his money in a bucket

Then one day his daughter Nan

Ran off with a Man

And as for the bucket, Nantucket

 

Paw followed the pair to Pawtucket

Hoping to recapture his bucket

He said to the man

You are welcome to Nan

But as for the bucket, Pawtucket

 

Paw took the bucket to Manhassett

Where he planned to use his asset

Along came the man

Followed by Nan

As for the bucket, Manhassett

 

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Jimmy and his little brother Johnny go into a drugstore and select a feminine hygiene product off the shelf and take it to the cash register. The pharmacist looks down at them and says, "Well, Boys, is this for your Mom?"

"No, sir" said Jimmy, it's for my little brother here."

"Do you know what they are for?", said the druggist.

"Not exactly, but we saw on TV that if you have them, you can swim and ride a bike, and right now Johnny can't do either one."

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scoutldr,

 

Very funny, tell me you didn't submit that one to Boy's Life.

 

Speaking of ducks...

 

A young city feller is out hunting. Spying a duck sitting on a fence post, he takes careful aim and drops the fowl, as it falls on the other side of the fence. Climbing the fence, the young hunter encounters an old farmer on the other side, sitting on his tractor.

 

Old Farmer - "What do you think you're doing thar, sunny?"

 

Hunter - "Getting this duck I just shot."

 

Old Farmer - "I don't think so. This here duck is lying on my property."

 

Hunter - "Listen old man, that's my duck and I'm taking him with me."

 

Old Farmer - "Well now, round these parts we settle our disputes using the three kick rule."

 

Hunter - "The three kick rule...what's that?'

 

Old Farmer - "Well, the way it works is I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and we go back and forth until the first one gives up."

 

Hunter - "Sounds good to me. Nothing would give me greater pleasure then kicking your *** all over this field and taking my duck."

 

Old Farmer - "Fine then"

 

The Old Farmer climbs down off his tractor and plants his steel toed boot square on the knee of the hunter. As he doubles over in pain with a cracked knee cap, the farmer sends a second shot crashing into the hunter's face, breaking his nose and knocking out several teeth. Finally, he gives a mightly blow to the groin leaving the young hunter writhing in excruciating pain in a heap.

 

Struggling to his feet, the young man stammers, "Okay old man, its my turn now. Prepare for some real pain."

 

Hopping back up on his tractor, the old farmer says, "Naw, you can have the duck."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Two Scouts are standing on a corner waiting for a taxi. Along comes a truck and hits a puddle and splashes one of them with mud and water as he turns down the street. The dry Scout explains to the wet Scout how he knew where to stand, "Usually, I don't have to prepare because that driver makes that turn good daily."

FB

 

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One of my wife's favorites:

 

What's the difference between herpes and love?

 

 

thinking

 

 

 

 

thinking

 

 

(Apologies in advance)

 

 

Herpes is forever.

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Man goes to his local monastery's fish & chips fund raiser. The potatoes are so good, he wants seconds. He asks one of the residents: "Are you the...chip monk?" "Nope, sorry, I'm the fish friar".

 

KS

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A man looks over in to his neighbors' yard to see their son digging a rather large hole. The man calls the boy over... "hey Jimmy, what are you digging that big hole for?" the boy answers "my goldfish just died and I'm going to bury it". The man replies "Well that's really sad, but isn't that a big hole for just a goldfish?" Jimmy answers "not since your cat ate it"

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These are pretty much all great, I just copied them from an email and removed ones that I didn't really want to put my name to (if you're wondering about the numbers) :-D

 

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau and imitation are both high forms of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

hope that wasn't too painful :-D

by the way, I don't remember who posted it, but the Ghandi Joke was AWESOME!!!!

-Curtis :-D

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I just read wing nuts... and I (being an engineer myself) had to add the second part (I'm trying not to dominate postings I'm sorry :-D)...

 

1. What do you get when you cross and rooster and snake?

(rooster)(Snake)*sin(theta)

 

2. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a mountain climber?

Nothing... you can't cross a scalar :-D

 

If you want it explained ask one of those guys that actually knows what all the functions of their graphing calculator do :-D

 

-Curtis :-D

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there." And the man says, "No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

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My neighbors 4yr old came out with these yesterday.

 

What do you call a crate full of ducks? A box of quackers.

 

What happens to a duck when it flys upside down? It quacks up.

 

 

 

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1) A ham and cheese sandwich walks into the bar. It sits down and orders it's favorite beverage. The bartender says "We don't serve Food in here"!

 

2) What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole??

 

Hot,Cross Bunnies - very Cross Bunnies

 

 

3) What do you get when a 1000 rabbits standing shoulder to shoulder take one step backward?

 

A Receding Hare Line

 

I love a good yuk!

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