Scoutmaster's kids

[mashmaster 783]

I am a Skipper which is equivalent to the Scoutmaster. I used to be a Scoutmaster.  I have found that my son gets totally burnt out and wanting to quit and is partially related to my role in the unit.  How do other unit leaders deal with this.  I am sure it is a toll on the leaders kids more than others.  Like making the meetings and events since "Dad" is there,  why isn't the son?  I would love to hear what others have done to deal with this.

[yknot 1338]

I apparently didn't handle it well. My kids suffered because I did not have as much time for them as I devoted to other kids. I was determined not to give them preferential treatment because they were mine and in retrospect was actually harder on them than I was on other kids. They also could never have a day off because if I had to be there, they had to be there although I did miss some critical moments in their lives outside of scouting because I had to be at the scout event while they were elsewhere. This created some resentment towards scouting on my part.  Further, if I was trying to be neutral about an obnoxious kid I expected them to be as well and that was very difficult for them.  In my defense I did not put any expectations on them as far as advancement  If I'm being totally honest, in retrospect, I would have leveraged my position more to suit the interests of my kids. My quest to be scout like, above board, and altruistic backfired with my own kids. 

[MattR 2659]

1 hour ago, mashmaster said:

why isn't the son?

Who is asking?

I was my son's SM. We talked and I told him I was on campouts as SM, not as dad. I didn't actually see him very often on campouts but when I did we had fun. I always enjoyed joking around with all the scouts so it wasn't that hard. As he got older I told him I didn't care if he got eagle and there was zero pressure from me to get it. He was just like most scouts and decided at the last minute that he wanted it. I did not help him other than buying lunch at his project. But my son really enjoys the outdoors. He liked the campouts until about 8 months before he aged out and started cutting back. I still went without him. I did that for several years after he aged out. If anyone asked I said he had something else going on. Nobody could question his involvement or mine, we had more nights camping than most. 

I'd say that if your son is getting burned out then let him take a break. Scouting is a crazy long haul. It has to be fun or else bad things are going to happen between the two of you. This is where you have to be dad to him before skipper. My high adventure memories with my son, in hindsight, was the best part. 

[InquisitiveScouter 1653]

9 hours ago, yknot said:

I apparently didn't handle it well. My kids suffered because I did not have as much time for them as I devoted to other kids. I was determined not to give them preferential treatment because they were mine and in retrospect was actually harder on them than I was on other kids. They also could never have a day off because if I had to be there, they had to be there although I did miss some critical moments in their lives outside of scouting because I had to be at the scout event while they were elsewhere. This created some resentment towards scouting on my part.  Further, if I was trying to be neutral about an obnoxious kid I expected them to be as well and that was very difficult for them.  In my defense I did not put any expectations on them as far as advancement  If I'm being totally honest, in retrospect, I would have leveraged my position more to suit the interests of my kids. My quest to be scout like, above board, and altruistic backfired with my own kids. 

Sorry to hear that.  It is tough to balance. I struggle with same, and find myself often in the same territory you describe...

Thank you for all your efforts.  I hope your kids will see the enormous amount of positive impact you are sure to have had, and realize that some of their sacrifice contributed to that positive impact on others' lives.

[qwazse 4342]

I was my kids’ crew advisor. I had no problems going on activities without them. We emphasized outdoors and service ... not advancement.

Now, with our sons as adults, the former SM and I help lock up after meetings so that the SM doesn’t have to. Other adults carry the load in their own way.

[Eagledad 2777]

13 hours ago, MattR said:

Who is asking?

I was my son's SM. We talked and I told him I was on campouts as SM, not as dad. I didn't actually see him very often on campouts but when I did we had fun. I always enjoyed joking around with all the scouts so it wasn't that hard. As he got older I told him I didn't care if he got eagle and there was zero pressure from me to get it. He was just like most scouts and decided at the last minute that he wanted it. I did not help him other than buying lunch at his project. But my son really enjoys the outdoors. He liked the campouts until about 8 months before he aged out and started cutting back. I still went without him. I did that for several years after he aged out. If anyone asked I said he had something else going on. Nobody could question his involvement or mine, we had more nights camping than most. 

I'd say that if your son is getting burned out then let him take a break. Scouting is a crazy long haul. It has to be fun or else bad things are going to happen between the two of you. This is where you have to be dad to him before skipper. My high adventure memories with my son, in hindsight, was the best part. 

This is exactly me. When I was scoutmastering, I totally focused on all the scouts equally. And yes, my sons burned out once in a while, so I let them have breaks. We also didn’t discuss scouts much at home. Both my sons aged out even after I took a break from the troop. They could have taken a break with me, but they enjoyed scouting. My best memory of being with my sons was a philmont trek. My older son went as an adult leader. Scouts lead the treks, so I got to take off my leader hat. I was just a member of the crew, and we had a blast.
 

Barry

Edited March 22, 2021 by Eagledad

[FaithfulScouter 20]

When I was CC I had an active Committee Member step down because her son just didn't want her involved in Scouts anymore.  He was a Life Scout and wanted to get to Eagle without his mom involved.  I understood and respected her decision.

My own Scout was treated poorly by Scoutmasters who didn't appreciate my leadership and took it out on him rather than speak to me.    They would use monthly Committee meetings to get in snide comments about him and try to embarrass me but would never address anything with me one on one.  EVER.  I was asked to step into this role after a huge blow up in the Troop and I regret accepting it because of how terribly my Scout was treated.  The Scoutmasters' sons were treated like kings though!

When you're an active volunteer it doesn't end for you at the meeting.  Our kids hear a lot about Scouting (probably too much) and it can become all encompassing, which may contribute to their burnout.

However, I do believe that my Scout greatly benefitted from my involvement and knowledge of the program in endeavors outside of the Troop, where he excelled.  His OA leadership, NYLT and LLD training, and Religious Emblems helped him stay active and involved even when life in the Troop was difficult.  

 

[fred8033 1591]

30 minutes ago, FaithfulScouter said:

My own Scout was treated poorly by Scoutmasters who didn't appreciate my leadership and took it out on him rather than speak to me.    

Yeah.  I've seen that.  We left a troop because of how another leader was treating my son's friend when it was really that the leader did not like the dad.  It was their way to get rid of the dad.  It damaged the son.  Still makes me screaming mad today.

 

30 minutes ago, FaithfulScouter said:

When you're an active volunteer it doesn't end for you at the meeting.  Our kids hear a lot about Scouting (probably too much) and it can become all encompassing, which may contribute to their burnout.

An absolutely great comment.  Scouting is supposed to be one part of a rich childhood.  For us adult volunteers, we often get pulled in deep and it takes a lot of our personal time.  

I wonder if we could apply an analogy here.  Supposed you and your wife talked about being extremely tight with money all the time when the kids were around.  I guarantee you that kids pick up on that and start worrying and focused on the family money situation too.  Same with marriage issues.  If the parents are constantly arguing or disagreeing in front of the kids, the kids will pick up on that and their home-life becomes stressful and no-longer the safety net.  

I'd imagine it's the same for scouts.  If we are constantly diving deep into scouting as adult volunteers, it probably pulls our scouts too deep into "scouting" and they can experience burn out. 

"Scouting" is supposed to be just one part of a rich childhood.  I myself should probably have shielded my kids from all the scouting discussions and work even more then I did.  

 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by fred8033

[mashmaster 783]

Yeah it is hard on my son.  Being a small unit 10 active scouts, I am always being pulled this way and that way.  I do my best to be fair to all scouts and give them the attention that they need.  I am sure I am hardest on my own son because I know what he knows and what he can do.  So when he avoids things, I am able to follow up later with "Why did you say XYZ?"  .  He like many other youth his age get pulled by other activities and gets pulled into those activities and doesn't see the bigger picture.  I am also in the position where I don't have a successor yet.  I have someone fairly new that I hope will grow into the role and I can bring him up to speed to partner with me and take over.  But the is a bit further down the road. 

And he hears about scouting around the house because we are all trapped in Covid house.  

[FaithfulScouter 20]

7 minutes ago, fred8033 said:

Yeah.  I've seen that.  We left a troop because of how another leader was treating my son's friend when it was really that the leader did not like the dad.  It was their way to get rid of the dad.  It damaged the son.  Still makes me screaming mad today.

 

An absolutely great comment.  Scouting is supposed to be one part of a rich childhood.  For us adult volunteers, we often get pulled in deep and it takes a lot of our personal time.  

I wonder if we could apply an analogy here.  Supposed you and your wife talked about being extremely tight with money all the time when the kids were around.  I guarantee you that kids pick up on that and start worrying and focused on the family money situation too.  Same with marriage issues.  If the parents are constantly arguing or disagreeing in front of the kids, the kids will pick up on that and their home-life becomes stressful and no-longer the safety net.  

I'd imagine it's the same for scouts.  If we are constantly diving deep into scouting as adult volunteers, it probably pulls our scouts too deep into "scouting" and they can experience burn out. 

"Scouting" is supposed to be just one part of a rich childhood.  I myself should probably have shielded my kids from all the scouting discussions and work even more then I did.  

 

 

It's hard to reconcile my great admiration for the Boy Scouts of America and their youth development program with the way my Scout has been treated.  He has a lot of ill feelings toward his leaders because of the way he was treated and just wants to be 'done'.  I understand why he feels this way but there is so much more to experience within the program.  It makes me sad.

[GrubKnot 19]

Not a SM, but as a DL for my youngest son sometimes i felt like he was getting short-changed. During some meetings where parents assisted their scouts in some activity I couldn't always assist him due to checking on everyone else. The  few meetings that he didn't attend, I think where easier for me.( Is that bad?) In hindsight it may have been better for him to be in a different den. He liked that i was his den leader, but I think his scout experience could've been better.

[fred8033 1591]

2 hours ago, FaithfulScouter said:

It's hard to reconcile my great admiration for the Boy Scouts of America and their youth development program with the way my Scout has been treated.  He has a lot of ill feelings toward his leaders because of the way he was treated and just wants to be 'done'.  I understand why he feels this way but there is so much more to experience within the program.  It makes me sad.

I feel for you and your scout.

I've often described scouting as shining when a magical mix occurs.  The right fellow scouts.  The right leaders.  The right unit culture and experiences.  If that happens, scouting shines.  Far too often, one or more falls flat or even becomes a huge negative.  if your son finds that magical mix in scouting, then celebrate.  If not, it is always okay to find somewhere else where your son can shine.  

Our kids are young once and it goes fast.  They need somewhere they can succeed and feel special.  I hope it's in scouting.  If not, that's okay too.

 

[WisconsinMomma 217]

My husband is the Scoutmaster now an I am an assistant Scoutmaster.  I am a lazy ASM so far and am still working on getting up to speed, and I am Mom first. I have other obligations and do not make all the meetings, etc.  But what I can give is a set of extra hands at outings.  I have enough background from Cub Scouts and Wood Badge to know a bit.  Out of our three kids, one likes Scouts and is doing well.  The other two are struggling and I wonder if we should let them go.  But the oldest is a Life Scout who could make Eagle if he works hard in the next 1.75 years.  The young one is 12 and has had his early Scouting very disrupted by Covid.  Our first two real in person outings have been cold and rainy.   Long days.  The first one was 12 hours, outside! No real shelter except an open picnic shelter and vehicles.  (I am trying to influence this.)   Yesterday was 8 hours outside and it was better but cold and rainy.  But we are starting to offer an outdoorsprogram again.  The Zoom meetings have been hard.   We are going to summer camp -- HUZZAH!  

But my two reluctant Scouts?  Middle one was elected ASPL and I think he has upped his interest with a leadership position, TBH. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by WisconsinMomma

[Eagle1993 2160]

On 4/11/2021 at 7:32 AM, WisconsinMomma said:

My husband is the Scoutmaster now an I am an assistant Scoutmaster.  I am a lazy ASM so far and am still working on getting up to speed, and I am Mom first. I have other obligations and do not make all the meetings, etc.  But what I can give is a set of extra hands at outings.  I have enough background from Cub Scouts and Wood Badge to know a bit.  Out of our three kids, one likes Scouts and is doing well.  The other two are struggling and I wonder if we should let them go.  But the oldest is a Life Scout who could make Eagle if he works hard in the next 1.75 years.  The young one is 12 and has had his early Scouting very disrupted by Covid.  Our first two real in person outings have been cold and rainy.   Long days.  The first one was 12 hours, outside! No real shelter except an open picnic shelter and vehicles.  (I am trying to influence this.)   Yesterday was 8 hours outside and it was better but cold and rainy.  But we are starting to offer an outdoorsprogram again.  The Zoom meetings have been hard.   We are going to summer camp -- HUZZAH!  

But my two reluctant Scouts?  Middle one was elected ASPL and I think he has upped his interest with a leadership position, TBH. 

We lost all of our 6th graders due to Covid this year.  Many of our early outdoor activities were cancelled and we had to go to Zoom as all of our typically meeting locations cancelled reservations.  Getting new scouts excited about Scouts BSA is tough in a Covid year.  I started following up with their parents this spring and there is some general excitement/interest in returning this coming fall.  I pushed a bit about going to summer camp, but many of the kids just want to hang with their close friends in town as they haven't been able to do that for a year.  I think a lot of kids are just depressed and/or burnt out on zoom.

Hopefully after a reset summer, kids & parents will be looking to reengage in the fall.  If your 12 year old is having a rough start, he is not alone.  If this was my son's first year in Scouts BSA, I'm not sure he would be sticking with it.  The only reason I see the older scouts sticking through is they know what normal looks like (so they are waiting for the reset) + some are working on some merit badges.  

This has been a really tough year, hopefully as we get back to a bit of normal soon.