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aehptown

Please explain...

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Background info: my former ex husband has been a leader for the last 3yrs. I have played the assistant leader the same time. Ultimately we went through a divorce, abusive marriage, I finally took a stand.

 

Over the years, there's been multiple domestic calls, however, I always dropped charges. He's even had a violent outburst during a pack meeting, yelling & cussing, slamming doors, throwing things, to the extent that other pack leaders packed up and left with their children, cutting the meeting early. (Never got reported to counsel).

 

Since the divorce, there was another domestic, he busted my front door in my 3yr old and mines face. I didn't drop charges. class B misdemeanor, and filed a restraining order, and supervised visits with the children. Due to filing the restraining order, I was asked to leave scouts, quoted "he's the leader, your the assistant, we're asking you to step down, he's free and clear until there's a conviction." I have all this screenshotted. So this literally kicked myself and my 8 yr old out of scouts.

 

Since, he's violated the restraining order multiple times, they slapped Class A misdemeanor charges on him, which I was informed today, he's pleading guilty to the class A and as long as he pays the restitution to fix the door $300 in 90 days the Class B will be dropped. If not, they'll go on his permanent record as well.

 

My issue, these decisions were coming from one of the district leaders. Why? Why were my son and I punished over his violent actions? Granted, I know the cubmaster likes him and fully swept the pack meeting incident under the rug, but seriously? I've always been under the understanding that cub scouts was for the kids. Please explain.

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Personally, I would move troops. The leadership in that group is not the best, to say the least. Having an outburst in front of kids that include cursing, slamming doors, and the such is just stupid. Why they keep him is unexplainable? Obviously, the leadership of this troop does not have the scouts best interest at heart. While it is coming from district makes it even worse. My suggestion would be to contact someone higher up because my thought is that this just a lawsuit waiting to happen when something worse happens in front of or to one of the parents of one of the kids. It is unfortunate that the other pack leaders do not stand up to have him removed in unity.  

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My apologies @@aehptown your post slipped by me.  First of all welcome to the forum.

 

A couple of legal issues.  Did the pack leadership drop your son as well?  With the restraining order against him, he can't be around you.  You do not need to change your patterns of activity.  I would ask for a clarification from the SE of your council on that one because they can be liable if they allow repeated infractions of the legal restraining order.  I'm not a lawyer, but consultation with one would be helpful.

 

It does sound as if the pack is backing him and his tirades, so there's nothing that can be done about that.  However, your son is registered in the program and he can attend and should.  It sounds as if they asked you to step down, they didn't demand it.  If you don't he's in jeopardy of the restraining order when you are around and the child is not supervised.  In light of all the legal implications, I can't imagine the pack supporting him unless he's one of the "good old boys".

 

I don't think with his propensity for violence, one would want to really be around him.  In that case, transfer to another pack.  I doubt that he will want to stay with the original pack once his son is no longer in the program.  He cannot take his son to the original pack without supervision anyway.

 

Take this as an opportunity to get away and start anew.  I've gone through something similar but not to the extent of such violence.  It's just better to walk away and leave the past in the past as best you can.  If it won't go away, that's what the legal system is for, use it.

 

@@Casper72  Welcome to the forum as well.  Thanks for the response, you are spot on!  This is a no-win for everyone involved at this point.

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I completely agree with Stosh this situation needs to be adressed by the SE. Many if not most district level professional positions are entry level so experience is minimal. You probably don't know what Stosh means by SE, Scout Executive. He is an experienced professional Scouter and is in charge of the entire Council which is made up of many districts. He is the decision maker.

 

It took me a moment to wrap my cream filled brain around "former ex husband". I think that counts as a double negative. :)

 

Let us know how things go.

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Yah, hi @@aehptown.  Welcome to da forums.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, and I'm sorry for the behavior of your ex.  I hope through Scouting that we help teach boys to be better than that when they become men. 

 

I can't speak to what or who is making choices for your pack.  By and large, the folks in Scouting are just other parents and volunteers, eh?  They don't have experience with this sort of thing, they just want to help kids learn to start a campfire and cook a hotdog.  They muddle through awkwardly and cautiously, and sometimes foolhardedly.

 

Likely the only folks who are apt to step in with a more proactive and directive approach are the pack's sponsors.  That would be the church/school/etc. that owns and operates the pack, usually where the pack meets.  They likely have paid staff and professionals who really do have some experience with this sort of thing.   I expect most would ask you both to take a break from leadership roles, and continue to welcome your son with whichever parent had custody that evening.   You can ask the person who is "Committee Chair" for your pack to consult with the "COR" and "IH" (the scouting coordinator and pastor for the church, for example).  I think that would be best for the pack.

 

Best for you and your son is another story.   You may decide that another cub scout program in town might be easier, depending on your son and his friends.   If the sponsor chooses to leave things as they are, you may decide to let your son go with his dad on meeting nights, or you may decide that sticking with Cub Scouting right now won't work for your and your son's mental health and physical safety.   Plan ahead for a good Boy Scout troop where you won't have to fight the "baggage", eh?  Boy Scout troops tend to have more established and long-term leaders.  They're a spot where other men (and women) can help be a good example to your son rather than a poor one.

 

All my prayers for you in this difficult time.

 

Beavah

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"Why?" Is never a simple question. Especially for strangers who don't know you, your husband, or your fellow scouters.

 

I know one boy whose grandparent custodians wouldn't let him join our troop because the father would insist on participating with the son, and they were certain that would not be in the boy's interest. :( The boy is growing strong and good in spite of missing out on scouting. But I still try to think if there was a way we could have made that work.

 

Sometimes we are trying to sort between bad and less bad. Your fellow scouters had to pick one of you. Had they chosen you, we might be replying to the boy's dad right now, who might be asking why he should be "punished." In light of the charges, did they choose poorly? Maybe. I'm sure the pack's sponsor would like to know about that.

 

Your council scout executive might be able to help find a way for your boy to enjoy scouting while keeping your ex away from you, but if I were you, I would contact the SE without expecting much in terms of favorable resolution.

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I hate that you are faced with this situation. 

 

Like the others have said, I would push for further explanation from the council.   It seems rather odd that he gets to stay but you are the one asked to leave when he is the one who had the outburst and was arrested.   As a parent, I would have something to say to the pack leadership about that if I had witnessed it.  I would ask the council/unit leadership why couldn't they let him go and have you step up to be the full time leader?   If you were an assistant anyways I don't see where the transition would have been hard for anyone so that excuse just doesn't hold water with me. 

 

Back in November our assistant Cubmaster was arrested along with his wife on domestic violence charges.  We spoke with our district executive and agreed to ask him to step down. We also agreed we wanted what was best for the scout.   Even if it meant someone else picking him up (I know that is frowned upon by some people) but we didn't want him to miss out for something that was beyond his control. The Mom has faithfully been bringing him each week now that dad can't come.   They have made up apparently and we do see him every once at something special like pinewood derby(he always helped tremendously at PWD time as woodworking is his hobby).  I think the charges were dropped against both but the damaged had already been done. 

 

Hopefully you and your son can find another pack to join(go to beascout.org to find another pack!).  You don't want to be in a unit that acts like that and backs an unfit leader. 

 

Susan

Edited by Jackdaws

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I'll echo everyone else.  Go to the council's website, call council and ask to talk to the Scout Executive.  Do not settle for talking to anyone else.  If you have to leave a message, make it simple, "my son and I have been kicked out of a unit because my ex-husband was charged with violating a restraining order put into place to prevent spousal and child abuse."  The Scout Executive will act and act quickly -- it is his job to do the right thing because if he doesn't and something like this gets into the press, he will be looking or another job.

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(Welcome). You see some these very bad and messy things in Cub Scout age splits. I also recommend moving Packs...what your son loses in familiarity he gains in stability. I wouldn't stay in that Pack because they are likely to make other poor decisions. You are obviously not welcome...he got the Pack in the split up.

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Welcome.

 

Beavah is a Scouter of long term, and professionally he has some idea of the matters involved in family law and domestic violence.  I commend to you his advice.

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