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Like My Momma Used to say...

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I know there are lots of good, useful, thought provoking, "AHA!" type suggestions out there , but often they are what I call "self correcting".


"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, DON'T EXAGGERATE!"

Y'all got any more?

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"I thought I was wrong once! But I made a mistake"

"Yes we have a youth led unit -Now tell the Boatswain that I said I want him to ..."


"OK we need a little decorum. You know what decorum is? It's what we do to apples before we cook them."


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Old Fred Jenkins used to say:

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice"

One of my old School Masters a Welshman, when he would catch me talking when I wasn't to be talking:

"Are they wise words? Are they wise roman words of wisdom?"

The one I never did understand was before getting whacked by a Master:

"This is going to hurt me, far more than it will you."

Father Coran one day when I asked him what C of E stood for:

"Oh well that covers a multitude of sins."

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"Game time! Everybody pair up in groups of threes!"


"It's bad luck to be superstitious"


and how about some Yogi Berraisms...


"This is like deja vu all over again."


"You can observe a lot just by watching."


"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.


"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.


"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.


"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"


"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."


"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."


"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."


"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."


"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."


"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."


"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."


"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."


"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."


"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."


"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.


"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.


Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."


"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.


"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."


"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."


"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."


"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."


"I made a wrong mistake."


"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.


"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.


"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."


"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."


"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."


"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."


"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."


"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."


"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.


"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."


"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.


"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"


"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."


"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."


"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."


"I didn't really say everything I said."

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Here is the complete list of:


Things I Learned From My Mother:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

" If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

" You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

" If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

" Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY.

" Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

" Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

" Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

" You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

" This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

" If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

" Stop acting like your father!"


15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

" There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

" Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

" You are going to get it when you get home!"


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

" If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."


19. My mother taught me ESP.

" Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

" When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

" If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

" You're just like your father."


23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

" When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

" One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"



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  • 2 weeks later...

As my sainted (and very twisted) mother used to say:

"I want you to eat every carrot and pea on your plate."


I like to think my mom is up in heaven, laughing her backside off at me being a scout leader & spreading some of the bizarre things I learned from her to such a wide audience.



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  • 9 months later...

"I'm sorry, where does fair come into the equation?"


"Did that sound anything like a request?"


"English is your first language, right?"


I'm afraid I actually did say that last to a scout the third time I had to tell him to get back to his assigned swimming area (NOT a swimmer), with his buddy, in a very crowded lake where I was lifeguarding. I did know he spoke English:

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