scoutmom86

I’m actually pretty sure she just doesn’t like him specifically. I’m pretty sure this was never brought to the board. It’s just her. And that’s fine. She doesn’t know of my fathers history, nor does she really know my son’s father’s history. Nor has she ever asked.

Im also proud to say that my guy has continued to make good choices. And has been a wonderful parent to my children. Especially in absence of their dad. Going on 16 months since he’s been in contact.

And my son is getting close to the end of his Cub Scout experience. It’s what he and I do together separate from his siblings. And we enjoy our time spent without the little ones. So it worked out anyways.

On to Boy Scouts, where none of this will be relevant anyhow...

It didn’t bother me so much that they didn’t want him to be interacting with other children. It bothered me that he was singled out because of small town gossip. I am only aware of one other person who was singled out this way and it is because he was a convicted sex offender wishing to be his son’s den leader. He was denied by big counsil.

It is over and done at this point. Our lives did move at an incredibly fast pace, but at almost 32, I’ve been through my fair share of ups and downs. And I can understand why others were set off by his appearance, once again, because he doesnt have the best reputation. But people change. And I think he deserved that much at least.

I just think there had to have been a better way to approach this situation. Instead of gossip about it with the other soccer mom perfect parents at a committee meeting, maybe they could’ve welcomed him and been more friendly. Given him a pamphlet on safety. Idk, I’m just throwing out ideas. But kick someone down when they’re trying to be better and make a difference to a boy who hasn’t seen his own father in almost a year seems pretty crappy to me.

I’m also proud to say he’s still sober, and has become a strong foundation for our family, and all five of our children. He’s in every stadium, every event, every practice sideline as he possibly can when he’s home after working up to 28 days at sea at a time.

You said it perfectly when you said you have no idea about our area or my situation. There’s more to it than speculation, which is my point exactly. It will be okay, and we won’t think about this down the road. But every time I have to look at these people, I think about how they all sit around and talk about other people’s downfalls. To have been a fly on the wall in that committee meeting... doesn’t feel so much like family anymore, like it used to be.

My boy is at a show and sell now, working his tail off for his last year as a cub. 

I guess that would be the same as going over a supervisors head at work. Makes for awkward situations afterwards. 

Not that that I want to attempt, just asking out of curiosity.

2 hours ago, FireStone said:

I've just read through this entire thread and I think my problem with this whole issue is your focus on your boyfriend being singled out. If your CM, Committee, or CO don't know about other possible felons attending activities, we don't know how they would react if they did know. But based on how this has been handled so far, I suspect those other folks would endure similar scrutiny. 

Regardless, I would suggest just accepting things as they are and not pushing the matter. Even when his son is a Lion, there is no guarantee of accepting him as a participant. Your CO has the right to exclude anyone, for any reason, criminal record or not. I have no criminal record, not even a speeding ticket, but if my CO decided they just didn't like me, they could send me packing tomorrow. That's the perks of the CO, they are the absolute authority on who can participate in a unit and who can't. Press the issue too hard and you could find your whole family asked to leave. 

Is that right? I don't think so. But again, COs can decide whatever they want. If you approach this with the attitude that "they’re going to have to swallow it all next year when his actual son is a Lion Cub," I think you might find things could actually get worse. 

Accept the decision of the CM, and use the time between now and his son joining to help him prove his commitment to living a better life. You can't be concerned about any other families, parents, participants, and their backgrounds. This is just about you and your boyfriend. And don't give the CM or anyone else a reason to make an even bigger issue of it. 

Can the CM do whatever he or she wants t? It’s a chartered organization. She doesn’t own it. There is a committee. And a company that sponsors the Pack.

With that being said, in any instance of any ingrievance anyone has, does she truly have the authority to make decisions that affect the Pack on her own without committee approval?

I honestly just wanted to know if the Pack, or the cub master, had the authority to say what was said. My mind began to race and wonder why this was an issue, if it had been discussed at a committee meeting, or if it was just her own personal issue with him, specifically. As I said previously, I had never heard of this being an issue with anyone else in the Pack, aside from the sex offender issue. When I first began to date him, she made a comment about his character in a private conversation, which led me to believe she had a personal problem with him. You must also understand the small town mentality of the community I live in, where every rumor is true. It is also very awkward when we attend Pack events. So I know that this was mentioned in a public forum with other parents. Which is fine. It is what it is... he is not my son’s father. Understood.

The cubmaster made too many presumptions, and could’ve asked, instead of making her own judgment, creating tension for me. I didn’t do anything wrong or that warranted what was said. Nor did I ever have intentions of leaving him alone at an event with his “nonchildren”. 

Al that to say, I really just wanted to know if the cubmaster had the authority. And apparently she does. Rules are rules.

9 minutes ago, David CO said:

1 hour ago, scoutmom86 said:

 

BSA would probably agree with you. They think everyone should be scrutinized like a convicted felon on probation.

So long as we only scrutinize one person in particular who we know because your friend is a gossip? Not all the other people participating as felons, as you all have said that it didn’t matter if it was blood related or not.

25 minutes ago, qwazse said:

So your bf may be singled out, but in the grand scheme of things he's not alone.

Except he was singled out in my Pack. In 4 years on the committee, never have I ever had anyone ask about anyone else’s criminal history unless they applied for leadership. One was a sex offender and it was brought before the board.

After being accused of stealing from his job, he was arrested and searched and had a small amount of drugs on him. Once arrested and transported, the place of employment found whatever they accused him of stealing and the charges were dropped, AFTER the newspaper had already been printed. So yes, wrong, drugs are bad. Yes he had a long time drug problem, but he has come a long way since. Yes he isn’t a blood relative. That I understand also. Makes sense for people to be weary. However, the only reason the CM knew is because she knows family of his ex wife. Other than that, he would just be some nobody that follows me around at scout meetings.

i applaud those of you who have never made a single mistake in your entire lives. That’s wonderful. Others have seen drinking and drugs our whole lives. Some get out sane and never scaved by the horrors of drug abuse, others sit next to our parents while they it pass around.

it is entirely judgmental of anyone to shun someone who was trying to step in for a child who hasn’t had a decent father in his life at 10 years old. My kid is awkward. He has a hard time making friends at scouts. He has ADHD and a touch of autistic tendencies. And after 3 days of hard work on his regatta with this strange but great attention, he was psyched to show it off.

Its alright though. You’ve all made a point. This is about the children. Their safety is of upmost importance. He still had a good time.

i still think that what’s good for one is good for all! If he will have to be supervised EVEN when hos son is a scout, then all parents should be vetted and supervised for infractions! 

6 hours ago, David CO said:

Oh, come on!

He is a felon. He is not a great person. I don't want to go over the top in criticizing him, but let's not put him up for sainthood either.

So you’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life? Never lied, never got a speeding ticket? You’re perfect right?

Ive had far more “upstanding citizens” treat me with less respect than multiple felons! Not everyone who has had a run in with the law is a terrible person.

lets also not forget “God Country Family”. It’s not very Christian like to judge people based on a past that they’ve left behind for a better life.

All we wanted to to was attend the days activities as a family and leave at lights out. We didn’t want to set up a meth lab in our tent. Geezzz.... 

On 3/23/2018 at 10:11 AM, DuctTape said:

I think you might be focusing too much on the criminal record piece and missing this important facet.

CM didn’t say it was because he was a non family member, she said it was because of his history.

7 hours ago, WisconsinMomma said:

 If the Cubmaster does not yet know your boyfriend/fiancee very well, then give it some time.

They know of him, and they know what people say about him. I didn’t know him then, so I can’t vouch for that. And they didn’t know him then either.

I really do understand caution and protection of the little ones. Reading through this whole conversation makes it seem like I’m defending him for what he has done like what he did was okay. It wasn’t.

i just never realized how much it affected everyone around. I never intended to leave him alone at an overnight event, so I guess I just took it too personally in the moment.

SSScout,

 I appreciate your thoughts on this. I do believe that trust has to be re-earned. Especially in small towns where they make mountains of molehills. (And thanks for the manfriend, because “boyfriend” is not a word I use in reference to him). Some folks actually do live and learn, and walk the right paths. 

Although I doubt he will ever dare to make an appearance at another event after this, we will venture on, my son and I. One more year for his Arrow of Light, and we are off to bigger and better things. My guy is much more helpful at home with the girls (both his and my 2 years old). The 3 boys (my scout, his and my younger son) and I had a blast for the day events and came home to sleep in our own beds.

If he ever does decide to venture out with us, we will make sure to do things to the book. As for the “tolerance” of the pack, they’re going to have to swallow it all next year when his actual son is a Lion Cub. They’ll have to do more than “tolerate” his attendance.

Never told anyone about it. Never even really thought about telling anyone about it since it was that insignificant. He didn’t murder anyone or hurt any children. It’s simple possession.

CM knew because it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone and they all like to gossip! Especially the soccer Mom type of people who are the committee members of this pack.

He’s not spending the night though, is the point in case. I didn’t ask the Cub Master anything. We were simply taking about the events of the day.

 Matter of fact, I never disclosed anything about him to anyone in the Pack! It is public record. Anyone can see it or research his or anyone else’s criminal history.

 As I said before, I’d be willing to bed MANY parents and guests have criminal records. And no one else has been pointed out or excluded.(As I said, even the sex offender attends.) I’ve never heard of anyone in any other organization single out or exclude people who willingly wanting to participate. And might I add, as step parents!

This hasn’t been some casual experience with some random stranger. He has been around for over 9 months. And as I also said before, it was never addressed before now. I know for a fact the Cub Master knee then too. He attended Blue and Gold Banquet &  Thanksgiving Feast.

It really is fine. I highly doubt he will attend any functions anymore, since he knows how everyone there feels about the situation. I mean, who wants to be somewhere where you know everyone things you’re a danger to the children?

I really wasn’t aware that this was such a huge issue. And I didn’t know if it was policy or just a decision made by the committee, or if she just made it up since she doesn’t really like him, as she has made that clear to me before on a personal level.

Thank you all for your clarity on the subject. Goodnight!

I don't think she is out to get me either. And I understand protecting the children.

He has no desire to take leadership.

I also understand that not everyone has the greatest judgement, and I totally understand that it totally makes my life choices look pathetic. But the circumstances are not as they appear, and they surely aren't as they were portrayed in the newspaper.

Maybe I'm downplaying it in my own mind for my own sanity, but it doesn't seem like such a big deal to me. I just think that lots of people that participate in scout functions that aren't in any kind of leadership, but participate and attend have skeletons in their own closets. The only difference is that their skeletons weren't publicly exposed. And I think that if one person's shortcomings are going to be exposed, then all attendees should be exposed. It's a small town, and I'd be willing to bet the pack would downsize quite a bit.

He has been to more than one activity before, and this is the first time it has been brought up.

As for tolerance? We pay our dues. I have given 3 years of service as a volunteer. We've sold popcorn every year. We do our part as a member of this pack. My kid has been super scout for 3 years.

So, in the opposite direction, I can then request that certain people that I know are current drug users be drug screened before coming to a function? I can then request every single attendant bring background checks, and we can exclude any person with criminal charges from attending with their children? RIGHT? That is entirely extreme!

A convicted and registered sex offender walks in with his son, even if its against the law to be at functions where children are the main focus of the function.

So this is not scout policy? This is just discretion of the Cub Master/Committee?

Thanks! This is a pretty neat website!

Back story: The guy I've been dating for almost a year has been quite active in my children's life and has taken interest in helping my 10 year old son with his scout activities. I'm a single mom to 3 children, and I've done everything from projects and derbies to volunteer and den leader in our pack up until now. It's a little of a relief to have someone in our lives to take the reigns for scouts, since it was intended to make time for my son and his dad once we split up. Since the divorce, my sons' father is inactive in their lives, and has been for the last 3 years.

Anyways, the guy I'm dating is a felon and is almost done with probation with no infractions for a simple possession charge, and has been rehabilitated and proven his sobriety over and over again thoughout the last year. He isn't looking to take leadership or do anything specific with the any other youth in the pack. But we would like to attend functions as a family. He is, after all, building their rain gutter regatta for this weekend.

SO...In conversation with the Scout Master about attendance to an overnighter scheduled for this Saturday, I was asked not to leave him alone--for this function and any other functions. Not that I intended to, but I felt like that was a little out of line and extremely pointless since he will be taking both my and his 2 year old daughters home for the night.

He has a son who will be scout age next year, so you mean to tell me he can't attend functions with his son without supervision?

My question is, I guess, how can a scout pack discriminate against someone who has been a significant and positive influence in my son's life for the last year? I know for a fact as an active member of the committee that they do NOT vet every single parent, only those who are in leadership. My father has taken my son to a campout, and has had some criminal issues from when he was younger. My son's father took him on one overnighter alone, and he is a convicted felon with a battery on a pregnant victim in the presence of a juvenile. All kinds of people mess up at some point in their lives. And I'd be willing to bet that if they did vet everyone, they'd find some skeletons. So we discriminate against anyone who has a criminal history from simply attending a function with a boy? I don't think that's fair. And if they will have a comment about one person, then shouldn't they HAVE to vet every parent who attends a function?

Needless to say, he has now decided not to attend this function or any other functions, and my scout loses out on a fun time as a family.