1999 Darwin Awards
WAHowland@AOL.COM
Mon, 21 Jun 1999 12:02:37 EDT
The 1999 Darwin Awards are in!!
The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes it is the 1999
Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of
the
Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those
individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing
themselves
from it.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one
half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The
concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously
lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed
out
to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung
three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was
allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put
a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's
head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would
protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
that
he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion
of
the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward
Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave
radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety
violation
once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson
Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a
safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that
it
was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves
can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they
heat
food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly
brought a
twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly
in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a
tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the
anticipated increase in holiday long distance calling traffic. Baker's
body
was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an
odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared
as
a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded.
faye
