Weekend funny

>Subject: A peek inside Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar:

(For those who don't know, Martha Stewart is an author, TV personality here
in the USA. She's sort of a super entertainer/housekeeper/cook/
/decorator/gardener/etc. A typical over-achiever.)

>
>
> Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees. Do all
> cooking for 1997.
>
> Jan. 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
>
> Jan. 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
>
> Jan. 4: Drain city reservoir;refill with mulled cider, orange
> slices and cinnamon sticks.
>
> Jan. 5: Lay Faberge egg.
>
> Jan. 6: Feshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe
> inserts into heat pump.
>
> Jan. 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent
> pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
>
> Jan. 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
>
> Jan. 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal
> personal address books;simply cross out the names of all the people
> you do not know.
>
> Jan. 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
>
> Jan. 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
>
> Jan. 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take
> verbatim notes.
>
> Jan. 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly
> relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death
> occurs.
>
> Jan. 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in
> case tires are shot out at the mall.
>
> Jan. 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
>
> Jan. 16: Get new eyeglasses;grind lenses myself.
>
> Jan. 17: Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones,
> fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
>
> Jan. 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
>
> Jan. 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.
> Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
>
>
>
Mark W. Arend
Beaver Dam Community Library
311 N. Spring St. Outside of a dog, a book is
Beaver Dam, Wisc. 53916 man's best friend. Inside of
(414) 887-4631 (fax 887-4633) a dog it's too dark to read.
--Groucho Marx
www.peoples.net/~bdlib/
Scoutmaster, Troop 736

mailto:arend@peoples.net

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