Humor: Hunting Elephants in the 90's (long)
Lorie McGraw (llmcgraw@WORLDNET.ATT.NET)
Fri, 30 May 1997 18:43:21 +0000
Apologies for the length of this post. My cousin sent it to me and I just
had to pass it on. So I have saved it 'till Friday, knowing that the list
message load is a little lighter. Having been on this list for a while, I
know that we have scouters that will fill in each of the following
descriptions <me included, hee hee>. I wish I knew where she found this
gem, but am glad she shared it with me! Plus we can all use a break after
beating the dead horse. Enjoy.
Lorie McGraw
Bear Den Leader Pack 410
Indian Waters Council
Columbia, SC
//**** HUNTING AN ELEPHANT IN THE 90s ********//
//*****************************//
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as
an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands
and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when
they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:
SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
AND COLOR = 'GRAY'
AND TRUNK = 'YES'
AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as
with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size
and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look
and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees
them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other
words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen
eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants
/****************************************************/
Terry Howerton Sakima Group, Inc. SCOUTER Magazine Kansas City | 
